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Song Details
Rank this week: 70 (↓9)
Duration: 3:54 
Release Date: 1970  (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Lyrics By: Monty Python (original series) (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: N/A (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: Ian MacNaughton (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: Pye 12116 (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By: Kay-Gee-Bee Music Ltd. (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Licensing:
Keywords: BED, DOG KENNELS, MARRIAGE, MATTRESS, PAPER BAG, SINGING 
Reviews:
Facts:
  • From the album "Monty Python's Flying Circus". (Stavro Arrgolus)
  • Sketch from Episode 8 of Monty Python's Flying Circus (peterpuck9)
  • Song Lyrics:
    The "Buying a Bed" sketch from "Monty Python's Flying Circus"

    Husband (Terry Jones): Hello, my wife and I would like to buy a bed, please.
    Mr Lambert (Graham Chapman): Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.
    Wife (Carol Cleveland): Thank you.
    Lambert: Mr Verity!
    Mr Verity (Eric Idle): Can I help you, sir?
    Husband: Yes, we'd like a bed, a double bed, and I wondered if you'd got one for about fifty pounds.
    Verity: Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir.
    Husband & Wife: Eight hundred pounds?
    Lambert: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Mr. Verity does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be ten times too high.
    Husband: I see.Lambert: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
    Husband: I see. Er... your cheapest double bed then is eighty pounds?
    Verity: Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.
    Husband: I see. And how wide is it?
    Verity: It's sixty feet wide.
    Husband: Yes...
    Wife: (whispers) Sixty feet!
    Husband: (whispers) Six foot wide, you see.
    Wife: (whispers) Oh.
    Husband: ...and the length?
    Verity: The length is ... er ... just a moment. Mr Lambert, what is the length of the Comfidown Majorette?
    Lambert: Ah. Two foot long.
    Husband: Two foot long?
    Verity: Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Mr. Lambert says by three. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
    Husband: I see, I'm sorry.
    Verity: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in fact sixty foot long, all right?
    Husband: Yes, I see.
    Verity: That's without the mattress, of course.
    Husband: How much is that?
    Verity: Er, Mr Lambert will be able to tell you that. Lambert! Could you show these twenty good people the dog kennels, please?
    Husband: Dog kennels? No, no, the mattresses!
    Verity: I'm sorry, you have to say 'dog kennel' to Mr Lambert, because if you say 'mattress' he puts a bucket over his head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
    Husband: Oh. Ah. I see. Er, excuse me, could you show us the dog kennels, please, hm?
    Lambert: Dog kennels?
    Husband: Yes, we want to look at the dog kennels, hm.
    Lambert: Ah yes, well that's the pets' department, second floor.
    Husband: No, no, no, we want to see the DOG KENNELS.
    Lambert (irritated): Yes, second floor.
    Husband: No, we don't want to see dog kennels, it's just that Mr Verity said that...
    Lambert: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?
    Husband: Well, he said we should say 'dog kennels' instead of saying 'mattresses'.

    (Lambert puts bucket on his head)

    Husband: Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello?
    Verity: (approaching) Did you say 'mattress'?
    Husband: Well, yes, er...
    Lambert: (muffled) I'm not coming out!
    Verity: I did ask you not to say 'mattress', didn't I?
    Husband: But I mean, er...
    Lambert: (muffled) I'm not!
    Husband: Oh.
    Verity: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing.
    Husband: Oh.
    Verity: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time...
    Another assistant (John Cleese): (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Mr. Lambert?
    Husband: Yes, I did.
    (Assistant gives nasty look at Husband)
    Verity: (still singing) ...walk upon England's mountains green...
    (Assistant joins in) ...and was the Holy Lamb of God...

    (Lambert removes bucket; Verity and Assistant immediately stop singing; assistant leaves.)

    Verity: He should be all right now, but don't...you know...don't!
    Husband: No, no. (to Lambert) Excuse me, could we see the dog kennels please?
    Lambert (irritated): Yes, pets department, second floor.
    Husband: No, no, no. Those dog kennels, like that. You see?
    Lambert: Mattresses?
    Husband: (relieved) Yes.
    Lambert: But if you want a mattress, why not say 'mattress'?
    Husband: (nervously) Ha ha, I mean...
    Lambert: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'dog kennel' if you want a mattress. Why not just say 'mattress'?
    Husband: But you put a bucket over your head last time we said 'mattress'.

    (Lambert puts the bucket over his head again)

    Verity: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (sings) And did those feet...
    Assistant: (to Husband) We did ask!
    (duet) ...in ancient times,
    walk upon England's mountains green...

    (singing continues throughout the next few lines of dialogue)

    Yet another assistant (Michael Palin): (running in) Did somebody say 'mattress' to Mr Lambert?

    (Cleese points angrily towards the Husband and Wife)

    Verity: Twice!
    Other Assistant: (shouting throughout the store) Hey, everybody! Somebody said 'mattress' to Mr Lambert --twice!
    (joins in the singing)

    (Organ music swells and they carry on singing)

    Verity: It's not working, we need more!

    (The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir begins to sing in the background. Sounds of water splashing; eventually Lambert removes the bucket again and they stop singing)

    Lambert: I'm sorry, can I help you?
    Wife: (brightly) We want a mattress!

    (Lambert puts the bucket over his head again. Verity, husband and assistants all groan and glare accusingly at wife)

    Wife: But it's my only line!!!

    Note: In the television version it was a paper bag, on the record it was a bucket (better sound effects?)
    (Marcus Tee)
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    Current Rating 10.0 (2 votes)
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