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Song Details
Rank this week: 107 (↓17)
Duration: 3:59 
Release Date: 1999  (sfjpk30) 
Lyrics By: Al Yankovic (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: Al Yankovic (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: Al Yankovic (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: Volcano (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By: Ear Booker Music (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Licensing: BMI  #4885447 
Keywords: COMIC MAYHEM, HOROSCOPES, SARCASM 
Reviews:
Facts:
  • The reference to the nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine is a direct reference to this George Carlin routine. Ol' Ernest clearly got around. (Stavro Arrgolus)
  • Song Lyrics:
    Aquarius:
    There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
    Fill that void in your life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

    Pisces:
    Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
    You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

    Aries:
    The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
    Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

    Taurus:
    You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
    The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

    That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
    That's your horoscope for today
    That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
    That's your horoscope for today

    Gemini:
    Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
    Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

    Cancer:
    The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
    Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

    Leo:
    Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
    Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

    Virgo:
    All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
    Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick

    That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
    That's your horoscope for today
    That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
    That's your horoscope for today

    Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

    Where was I?

    Libra:
    A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you
    Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

    Scorpio:
    Get ready for an unexpected trip when you call screaming from an open window
    Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

    Sagittarius:
    All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
    Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

    Capricorn:
    The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying
    If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never, never, never, never, never leave my house again

    That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
    That's your horoscope for today
    That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
    That's your horoscope for today

    That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
    That's your horoscope for today
    That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
    That's your horoscope for today
    (Stavro Arrgolus)
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    Current Rating 8.1 (4 votes)
    Song Images:
    Messages about the song: "Your Horoscope For Today"
     
     
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    Song samples are provided for information purposes only and are intended to enable the users to sample the music (as they are in very low quality) before they take the decision of purchasing the music. This right is expressly permitted under "Fair Use" as nonprofit educational purposes only. The ownership of the copyright of the songs rests with the respective owners.

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