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fiogf49gjkf0d In 2000, I made a tape. A parody of Rick Wakeman's 'Return to the Centre of the Earth' narrated by Patrick Stewart. I took the place of narrator and got a few friends to babble off lines I had written for them and held a tape-recorder mike up to them as they gave their readings. For a low-quality recording, I have to say I'm quite proud of it because I wrote it, directed and produced it. Yes, the chipmunk sound is on purpose.
I had sent Wayne a copy of it in 2005, and included a CD-R of the original Wakeman release so he'd know how the silliness was inspired. He paid me a great compliment yesterday when he told me how he thoroughly enjoyed it. It's kinda funny, he thought he had commented on it before. But at the time of my sending in my tape to him, it was right on the heels of the big MP3 file-sharing fiasco and the subsequent removal of the shows from the download/upload functions...so, understandably, Wayne had alot on his mind. It was years later when I finally heard back from him concerning the recording. I hadn't been around MMA much, Wayne and I had only shared a few emails back and forth sporadically in all that time.
So here is the text of the thing that is too long for a regular show :) ...
~Let's Go To The Center Of The Earth~
On the 24th of May 1863, Professor Linear Hooks and his nephew Axis, full name; Tilted Norman Axis, discovered an old page from an old book about the boring lifestyles of the poor and medieval. It read: Descend into the crater of Sneezles-Choken Falls, before the sun sets, bored traveler, and you will reach the center of the earth...or at least a very dark cave.
Because they were both eager to travel to exciting and new locations and dropped on their heads as infants, they decided to undertake this journey. But as they wanted to travel in secret, and not have curious by-standers slow their progress, they told no one of their plans. Curious by-standers have been reportedly hanging out at Sneezles-Choken Falls. They certainly didn't want any wild stories about their journey coming from these insane ghost hunters, whose heads were easy to see through because of the air-container quality they had. As they neared the icy cold terra firma where Sneezles Volcano lay in the gray distance, they began to feel fear and unease. Not knowing how the journey would end. What would they do, if they fell down and couldn't get back up?
(music)
Oh, let's go to the center of the earth!
Let's not tell anyone where we are!
Let's not give ourselves a chance for rescue or assistance!
Let's go through the center of the Earth!
And so begins the Return to the Center of the Earth with a guy named George.
(song and dance)
Return to the Center of the Earth
An endless journey in time!
(story telling continues)
From the first explorers' documentation, they knew there were three seperate shafts to which they could enter. At first they, being three, thought it would be a jolly snap idea to take one entrance each. But then decided that maybe there was a group of by-standers undoubtably in one of them. So they decided to refer back to the documentation of the first explorers (or so they claimed) to descend into the central shaft. But to their astonishment, as the sun fell, it cast its shadow over the westerly entrance, rendering it totally useless. As they descended into the eastern shaft, they knew that they were a part of history, and that there was no turning back now. After several hours of walking through underground tunnelways, they spied a small crack in the rock wall. But hollow enough where they could eat and rest. They sat down and noticed cracks beginning to form all around them. There was all this shaking. Then Professor Linear Hooks told them that this was an earthquake. They screamed. AAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH! After the earthquake George stated: It was like Déjà Vu in an upside down kind of way.
As they continued to claw their way out from under the fallen rocks, they were faced with a network of caves, and on the cavern walls there were hieroglyphics surrounding them. The one that stood out the most was the 'Watch for Falling Rocks' symbol.
They also realized that ancient, thought-to-be extinct humanoids had to be down here with them as well. At first they were nervous about running into anyone. Especially an ancient underearth dweller who might see them poking around in the center of the earth and think that maybe they would taste good with pterodactyl sauce.
Professor Linear Hooks told the other explorers that they were the ones who had to be more hungry than the caveman, and so they began to sharpen their hunting knives and gather wood.
As they waltzed into the forest, deepening into the cavern inter-structure, they were oblivious to all sights and sounds coming from the forest itself. Then along strode one of the cavemen. He was very large and scary looking. He was carrying an enormous object in which could be a weapon. But the explorers still paying no attention to anything, didn't notice this sudden appearance of the caveman. Finally, Professor and Axis saw this half-man, half-creature. They tried to get George to notice, too.
"George, George, yoo hoo George, earth to George...GEORGE!!"
"Huh?"
"Come on there's some wood over there, under that tree, by the caveman."
(song and dance #2)
I'm tired of waiting here for you
This cave is so sublime
It's no good, I don't believe you
About the aftermath of asteroids
Ending all life!
I'm sending my love far away
With a piece of my heart and a skull
From the lava that had dried
So there must be a reason for living
Oxygen is the reason why we're breathing!
It's alright!
It's alright!
After a full, hearty meal of various life-forms they found within the forest, including the unsuspecting, blind-as-a-bat caveman, they took rest and shelter in an oblong cave made up of cork and plastered rocks. Then as they began another stretch into the ever deepening earth, they saw a waterfall, took a drink of water, then slipped and fell down a very, very long tunnel and sliding down it as if it were a water-slide into hell. AAAAHHHH!
After landing in a pool of muck from thousands of years of unfiltered waterfalls, they stampered across another tunnel floor of guck, until they reached a large body of water. Realizing they were standing in an open tunnel leading out onto a beach, they knew they had found the Lindenbrook Sea.
"I think we're going to need a boat," said Hooks.
"Yeah, and we'll need to go back up through one of these tunnels to scare up some grub. I'm starving!" Said George.
As they ventured into one of the connecting tunnels, they went about the caves looking for the strange and exotic foods, gracing the center of the earth as an everlasting prehistoric buffet. As they gathered up these unusual and bizarre looking creatures of various small sizes and textures, they went back out onto the beach. The campfire they built was warming and pleasant. They sampled each morsel after roasting it to a medium rare. Strangely everything tasted like chicken. The hours passed and they slumbered.
(song and dance #3)
Still waters run,
Still waters run,
Still waters run deep
Still our heroes,
Still our heroes,
Still our heroes sleep
Waking with a start, they all stared toward the ocean. They saw fish from a far-gone age leap high above the waves for but a brief second of time, before diving back into the water. While this was occurring, a huge creature, a pterodactyl, flew in ever descreasing circles preparing to home in on its prey. But still high above them in the cliff face, the largest winged lizard from the Jurassic Period and possibly from Jurassic Park, prepared for flight. The QuasiClydesdaleColoptus.
As the explorers stood to their feet, they gave a shout of "Hey look out!" to which the stunned flying creatures flew into each other and knocked each other out cold. Suddenly the fish began to take bites out of the now floating birds of dinosauric quality.
Not ones to be left out, the explorers hastily put together a raft and rowed out to the action. Batting fish away from the birds with their meager oars, they salvaged what they could from the waves. Before they went on with their journey, they built another campfire and constructed a large rotisserie for their birds.
(song and dance #4)
Non-stop to freedom
It's an absolute beginning
A lottery to nowhere with
An even chance of winning
The center of the Earth is so much a blast,
A fantasy ride!
Like three tired adventurers, weary from all this climbing and descending into the caves of the earth, and coming to the conclusion that if they had found an inner sea inside the earth, that it must be a good possibility they had made it to the center of the earth.
Being prepared for another trek into the wild, unknown caves, they began to find the way out.
After getting lost in the twenty yards they had gone, they decided that using the explosives and dynomite could get them to higher caves above them. As they blew the hell out of one cave wall, they noticed one thing. Lava! A whole lot of it coming down towards a nearby shaft.
Watching from a safe distance and plopping a few marshmallows on a stick to roast some goodies while the lava flowed, they came up with a brilliant idea. So, taking the heat-resistant, bowl shaped rock they had found lying just next to them, they flung it and themselves into the lava.
Eventually they knew they would come across an active volcano sometime.
After four days the lava thing was getting old. But as luck would have it, they were caught inside an active volcano...and were spewed out like an old hairball.
And so ends, the Return to the Center of the Earth!
(song and dance end)
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