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Song Details
Rank this week: 29 (↑12)
Duration: 3:05 
Release Date: 1973  (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Lyrics By: Eric Idle (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: Eric Idle (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: Terry Jones/Michael Palin (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: Charisma/Arista (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By: Kay-Gee-Bee Music Ltd. (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Licensing: BMI  #156241 
  • The lyrics below are as the bit appears on the "Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief" album. This version includes both the bit from the TV show and the "Bruces Philosopher's Song". In this version of the song, the name 'Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel' is sung instead of 'Schopenhauer and Hegel', as heard in other versions. (Stavro Arrgolus)
  • Skit from Episode 22 of Monty Python's Flying Circus which leads to the song heard in this album version. See "Bruces (Television Show Version)" for more information or click on the "Bruces" link below. (peterpuck9)
  • Song Lyrics:
    Second Bruce: G'day, Bruce!

    First Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce!

    Third Bruce: How are you Bruce?

    First Bruce: A bit crocked, Bruce.

    Second Bruce: Where's Bruce?

    First Bruce: He's not 'ere, Bruce.
    Third Bruce: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.

    First Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!

    Second Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce.

    First Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty," he said and she smiled quietly to herself.

    Third Bruce: She's a good Sheila, Bruce, and not at all stuck up.

    Second Bruce: Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! - how are you Bruce?

    (Enter fourth Bruce with English person, Michael)

    Fourth Bruce: 'Ow are you, Bruce?

    First Bruce: G'day Bruce!

    Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

    Second Bruce: Hello Bruce.

    Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

    Third Bruce: How are you, Bruce?

    Fourth Bruce: G'day Bruce.

    Fourth Bruce: Gentleman, I'd like to introduce a chap from Pommyland who is joinin' us this year here in the philosophy department of the University of Woolamaloo.

    Everybruce: G'day!

    Michael: Hello.

    Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.

    First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce?

    Michael: No, it's Michael.

    Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.

    Third Bruce: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear?

    Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd ask the padre for a prayer.

    First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!

    Everybruce: Amen!

    Fourth Bruce: Crack tubes! (Sound of cans opening) Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty.

    Second Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommy bastard to God's own Earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here.

    Everybruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!

    Fourth Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Hegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge of the sheep dip.

    Third Bruce: What's new Bruce going to teach?

    Fourth Bruce: New Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and Benaud.

    Second Bruce: Those are all cricketers!

    Fourth Bruce: Aww, spit!

    Third Bruce: Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce!

    Everybruce: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you, amen!

    Fourth Bruce: Another tube! (Sound of cans opening) Any questions?

    Second Bruce: New Bruce, are you a poofter?

    Fourth Bruce: Are you a poofter?

    Michael: No!

    Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One!

    Everybruce: No Poofters!

    Fourth Bruce: Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all... if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?

    Everybruce: No Poofters!!

    Fourth Bruce: Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking. Rule Five,

    Everybruce: No Poofters!

    Fourth Bruce: Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six. Rule Seven,

    Everybruce: No Poofters!!

    Fourth Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.

    First Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.

    Everybruce: Amen!

    Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
    Who was very rarely stable.

    Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
    Who could think you under the table.

    David Hume could out-consume
    Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel

    And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
    Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

    There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
    'Bout the raising of the wrist.
    Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

    John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
    On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

    Plato, they say, could stick it away
    Half a crate of whiskey every day.

    Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
    Hobbes was fond of his dram,

    And René Descartes was a drunken fart.
    'I drink, therefore I am.'

    Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
    A lovely little thinker,
    But a bugger when he's pissed.
    Current Rating 10.0 (5 votes)
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