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| Facts: |
| From the album "Monty Python's Flying Circus". (Stavro Arrgolus) |
| Sketch from Episode 8 of Monty Python's Flying Circus (peterpuck9) |
| Web pages about this song: |
| Buying a Bed (peterpuck9) |
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| Song Lyrics: |
The "Buying a Bed" sketch from "Monty Python's Flying Circus"
Husband (Terry Jones): Hello, my wife and I would like to buy a bed, please.
Mr Lambert (Graham Chapman): Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.
Wife (Carol Cleveland): Thank you.
Lambert: Mr Verity!
Mr Verity (Eric Idle): Can I help you, sir?
Husband: Yes, we'd like a bed, a double bed, and I wondered if you'd got one for about fifty pounds.
Verity: Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir.
Husband & Wife: Eight hundred pounds?
Lambert: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Mr. Verity does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be ten times too high.
Husband: I see.Lambert: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Husband: I see. Er... your cheapest double bed then is eighty pounds?
Verity: Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.
Husband: I see. And how wide is it?
Verity: It's sixty feet wide.
Husband: Yes...
Wife: (whispers) Sixty feet!
Husband: (whispers) Six foot wide, you see.
Wife: (whispers) Oh.
Husband: ...and the length?
Verity: The length is ... er ... just a moment. Mr Lambert, what is the length of the Comfidown Majorette?
Lambert: Ah. Two foot long.
Husband: Two foot long?
Verity: Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Mr. Lambert says by three. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Husband: I see, I'm sorry.
Verity: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in fact sixty foot long, all right?
Husband: Yes, I see.
Verity: That's without the mattress, of course.
Husband: How much is that?
Verity: Er, Mr Lambert will be able to tell you that. Lambert! Could you show these twenty good people the dog kennels, please?
Husband: Dog kennels? No, no, the mattresses!
Verity: I'm sorry, you have to say 'dog kennel' to Mr Lambert, because if you say 'mattress' he puts a bucket over his head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Husband: Oh. Ah. I see. Er, excuse me, could you show us the dog kennels, please, hm?
Lambert: Dog kennels?
Husband: Yes, we want to look at the dog kennels, hm.
Lambert: Ah yes, well that's the pets' department, second floor.
Husband: No, no, no, we want to see the DOG KENNELS.
Lambert (irritated): Yes, second floor.
Husband: No, we don't want to see dog kennels, it's just that Mr Verity said that...
Lambert: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?
Husband: Well, he said we should say 'dog kennels' instead of saying 'mattresses'.
(Lambert puts bucket on his head)
Husband: Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello?
Verity: (approaching) Did you say 'mattress'?
Husband: Well, yes, er...
Lambert: (muffled) I'm not coming out!
Verity: I did ask you not to say 'mattress', didn't I?
Husband: But I mean, er...
Lambert: (muffled) I'm not!
Husband: Oh.
Verity: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing.
Husband: Oh.
Verity: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time...
Another assistant (John Cleese): (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Mr. Lambert?
Husband: Yes, I did.
(Assistant gives nasty look at Husband)
Verity: (still singing) ...walk upon England's mountains green...
(Assistant joins in) ...and was the Holy Lamb of God...
(Lambert removes bucket; Verity and Assistant immediately stop singing; assistant leaves.)
Verity: He should be all right now, but don't...you know...don't!
Husband: No, no. (to Lambert) Excuse me, could we see the dog kennels please?
Lambert (irritated): Yes, pets department, second floor.
Husband: No, no, no. Those dog kennels, like that. You see?
Lambert: Mattresses?
Husband: (relieved) Yes.
Lambert: But if you want a mattress, why not say 'mattress'?
Husband: (nervously) Ha ha, I mean...
Lambert: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'dog kennel' if you want a mattress. Why not just say 'mattress'?
Husband: But you put a bucket over your head last time we said 'mattress'.
(Lambert puts the bucket over his head again)
Verity: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (sings) And did those feet...
Assistant: (to Husband) We did ask!
(duet) ...in ancient times,
walk upon England's mountains green...
(singing continues throughout the next few lines of dialogue)
Yet another assistant (Michael Palin): (running in) Did somebody say 'mattress' to Mr Lambert?
(Cleese points angrily towards the Husband and Wife)
Verity: Twice!
Other Assistant: (shouting throughout the store) Hey, everybody! Somebody said 'mattress' to Mr Lambert --twice!
(joins in the singing)
(Organ music swells and they carry on singing)
Verity: It's not working, we need more!
(The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir begins to sing in the background. Sounds of water splashing; eventually Lambert removes the bucket again and they stop singing)
Lambert: I'm sorry, can I help you?
Wife: (brightly) We want a mattress!
(Lambert puts the bucket over his head again. Verity, husband and assistants all groan and glare accusingly at wife)
Wife: But it's my only line!!!
Note: In the television version it was a paper bag, on the record it was a bucket (better sound effects?) (Marcus Tee) |
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Current Rating
10.0
(2 votes)
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| Played on 15 shows: |
 | 03-02-08, #08-09 | | 05-25-86, #86-21 |
| 10-03-99, #99-40 | | 04-27-86, #KMET-86-17 |
| 10-15-95, #95-42 | | 12-11-83, #83-50 |
| 03-26-95, #95-13 | | 04-30-78, #78-10 |
| 05-15-94, #94-20 | | 07-11-76, #102 |
| 02-10-91, #91-06 | | 05-02-76, #92 |
| 04-29-90, #90-17 | | 03-21-76, #86 |
| 04-19-87, #87-16 | | |
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Message:
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Song samples are provided for information purposes only and are intended
to enable the users to sample the music (as they are in very low quality) before
they take the decision of purchasing the music. This right is expressly permitted
under "Fair Use" as nonprofit educational purposes only. The
ownership of the copyright of the songs rests with the respective owners.
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