New Husbands Kill Things by Bill Cosby

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New Husbands Kill Things
By: Bill Cosby

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. . . Being a new husband, I had to kill . . . things.

*Little* things. With a lot of legs. That were harmless, but they crawled.

And I mean, wives are serious about killing these things, man.

"Gyaaaagh!!"

And you come running in, ready to karate anybody. And she says "KILL IT!!" And first of all, you can't find it! You don't know what she's talkin' about, you know? She just pointin' at the floor. "What, kill the floor?" "NO!! THERE!!" And the thing is so frightened, it's frozen in its tracks.

The first thing I killed for my wife was an old roach. With three legs missing. And the thing was trying to make it across the rug, and my wife said "KILL IT!!!!" and the thing tried to go faster. And I didn't have any shoes on. So I said "Wait a minute, I gotta go get my slippers." She said "HURRY UP!!!1!!!11!!!"

And I put my slipper on, and I came back and I went *splat*. And I thought she'd jump on me and say "My hero."

She said, "ew."

Then I became the maintenance man. "Get it out of here! Get it out of here, it's nasty. Take that off my rug." Things become her "my". "My rug. Get it out of *my* living room. Get it. Kill it. Get it." So you get a piece of tissue and you pick the thing up, and you go to put it in *her* trash can. And she says "Don't put that thing in the trash can, take it outside." So there you are, walking to the dump. With about 9 other husbands, all of us have tissues and a roach. "Did you kill a roach today?" "Yeah, I killed one too... " (Shalom)

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Available on the following album:
My Father Confused Me, What Should I Do?
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