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Song Details
Rank this week: 43 (↓2)
Duration: 5:28 
Release Date: 1/12/1993  (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Lyrics By: Denis Leary (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: N/A (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: Joe Blaney/Chris Phillips (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: A & M Records (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By: Mullet Head Music Publishing (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Licensing: BMI  #1822151 
  • Comedy lore would have you believe that this bit, its attitude and premise are entirely the creation of the late, great Bill Hicks. The Jim Fixx reference most certainly is and appears on the Bill Hicks' album, "Relentless" (1992). (Stavro Arrgolus)
  • Song Lyrics:
    I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day, OK. And I am never f***ing quitting! I don't care how many laws they make. What's the law now? You can only smoke in your apartment, under a blanket, with all the lights out? Is that the rule now, huh?! The cops are outside, "We know you have the cigarettes. Come out of the house with the cigarettes above your head." "You'll never get me, copper! I'm never coming out, you hear? I got a cigarette machine right here in my bedroom. Yeah!"

    Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies. So I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time. I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies all the way around my neck. I'll be Tracheotomy Man! "He can smoke a pack at a time! He's Tracheotomy Man!"

    I'm looking forward to cancer, man. I want that throat cancer. That's the best kind. You know why? You get that throat cancer, you get that voice box thing. Know what I'm talking about? ..[jams microphone on his throat to simulate a voice box sound].. Sure it's scary, but you can make a lot of money with a voice box. Get a voice box, walking around the streets of Manhattan, "[VB] You got any spare change?" "Ahhh!! Here's my whole wallet, get away from me! Ahh!"

    Imagine a whole family with voice boxes. That'd be creepy, wouldn't it? They'd be out in that backyard everyday during the summer. "[VB] Dad, can we go to the beach?" "[VB] Yes, get your mother and the dog. We'll leave right now. Sparky, come here." "[VB] Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf" Ahhhh!!

    Or the ultimate irony. A guy with a voice box pulling up to the drive through window at McDonald's. That has to suck, huh? "Can I help you?" "[VB] Big Mac and a large order of fries." "Stop making fun of me." "[VB] I'm not making fun of you." "I'm getting the manager." "[VB] Get the f***ing manager, I don't care."

    I can remember a time in this country when men were proud to get cancer, goddammit! When it was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both! Cuz I don't ******' need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!"

    Babe Ruth, greatest baseball player to ever play the game. He had a voice box. He was the first American to have a voice box. Yeah! "[VB] This is Babe Ruth, the Sultan of Swat, the Bambino, I smoke twenty-five goddamn Cuban cigars a day. I had meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I fucked eighteen prostitutes a night! 'Course...I'm dead now. I'm up here in Heaven. Lou Gehrig is up here with me. God love Lou Gehrig. Jesus Christ, poor Lou Gehrig. Died of Lou Gehrig's disease. How the hell did he not see that coming? You know. We used to tell him, Lou, there's a disease with your name all over it, pal! There ain't no Babe Ruth disease, I'll tell you that much right now. Have a hot dog and a hummer. Go ahead, it's on me."

    I don't know. Personally, I think Billy Martin said it best when he said, "Hey! I can drive!" Because we tried to be nice to you non-smokers. We f***ing tried. Okay? You wanted your own sections in the restaurants. We gave you that, huh. But that wasn't enough for you. Then you wanted the airplanes. We gave you the whole goddamn plane! You happy now? You own the f***ing plane! I'd like an explanation about that one folks, because I will guarantee you if the plane is going down, the first announcement you're gonna hear is, "Folks, this is your Captain speaking. Look, uhm, light 'em up, 'cause we're going down, okay. I got a carton of Camel non-filters, I'll see you on the ground. Take it easy." Actually, it'd be more like this, "[VB] This is your Captain speaking. Smoke 'em if ya got 'em. Rrrr Rrrr"

    The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin. Only us real good smokers know that f***ing secret. Yeah, we tried to be nice to you non-smokers. We tried. But you just f***ing badger us, you know? You won't leave us alone! You got all your little speeches you're always giving to us. All these little facts that you dig out of a newspaper or pamphlet and you store that little nugget in your little f***ing head, and we light up and you spew 'em out at us, don't ya? I love these little facts. "Well you know, smoking takes ten years off your life." Well, it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair, kidney dialysis f***ing years. You can have those years! We don't want 'em, alright!? And I guarantee if I'm still alive, I'll be smoking then. I'll be in my wheelchair, with my adult diapers on and my twenty-five year old non-smoking born again Christian son behind me. I'll be going, "Hey! Make sure you wipe this time. I was itching all week, for Christ's sake! And get me some more wippets. I'm almost out, you f***ing *****! Come on!"

    Because you're always telling us, "You know, ever cigarette takes six minutes off your life. If you quit now you can live an extra ten years. If you quit now, you can live an extra twenty years." Hey, I got two words for you, OK. Jim Fixx. Remember Jim Fixx? The big, famous jogging guy? Jogged fifteen miles a day. Did a jogging book. Did a jogging video. Dropped out of a heart attack when? When he was f***ing jogging! That's when! What do you wanna bet it was two smokers who found the body the next morning and went, "Hey! That's Jim Fixx, isn't it?" "Wow, what a f***ing tragedy. Come on, lets go buy some butts."

    It's always the yogurt sprout eating motherfuckers who get run over buy a bus driven by a guy who smokes three and a half packs a day. "Sorry, Officer, I didn't see him. I was too busy smoking!"
    (Stavro Arrgolus)
    Current Rating 10.0 (2 votes)
    Song Images:
    Messages about the song: "Smoke"
    Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  08-25-09 05:03 AM  -  13 years ago
    Did Denis Leary steal the material and attitude of this bit from Bill Hicks? You decide..

    Look for the similarity in the 'voice box' and Jim Fixx segments.
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