How Do You Tell A Witch? by Monty Python

Song Details

How Do You Tell A Witch?
By: Monty Python

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Duration:	2:47
Release Date:	5/10/1975 (Stavro Arrgolus)
Lyrics By:	Monty Python (Stavro Arrgolus)
Music By:	N/A (Stavro Arrgolus)
Produced By:	Jones/Gilliam (Stavro Arrgolus)
Released By:	Arista AL 4050 (Stavro Arrgolus)
Published By:	Kay-Gee-Bee Music Ltd. (Stavro Arrgolus)
Licensing:	BMI
Keywords:	BURN, DUCK, FLAWED LOGIC, FLOAT, MOB MENTALITY, PARANOIA, SURPRISE ENDING, WART, WITCH, WOOD

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Song Lyrics:

FIRST VILLAGER
We have found a witch. May we burn her?

ALL
Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!

BEDEVERE
How do you know she is a witch?

SECOND VILLAGER
She looks like one!

ALL
Right! Yeah! Yeah!

BEDEVERE
Bring her forward.

WITCH
I am not a witch. I am not a witch!

BEDEVERE
But you are dressed as one.

WITCH
They dressed me up like this.

ALL
We didn't, we didn't!

WITCH
And this isn't my nose, It is a false one.

[BEDEVERE grabs her nose. It snaps. It is on a string.]

BEDEVERE
Well?

FIRST VILLAGER
... Well, we did do the nose.

BEDEVERE
The nose?

FIRST VILLAGER
And the hat. But she is a witch.

SECOND VILLAGER
Yeah.

ALL
Burn her! Right! Yeah! Yeah!

BEDEVERE
Did you dress her up like this?

FIRST VILLAGER
No!

FIRST, SECOND AND THIRD VILLAGERS
No, no. No. No. No.

FIRST VILLAGER
Yes.

SECOND VILLAGER
Yes.

FIRST VILLAGER
Yes. Yeah, a bit.

FIRST, SECOND, AND THIRD VILLAGERS
A bit, a bit, a bit.

FIRST VILLAGER
She has got a wart.

[A cough.]

BEDEVERE
What makes you think she is a witch?

THIRD VILLAGER
Oh, she turned me into a newt.

BEDEVERE
A newt?

[Silence. The VILLAGER looks around guiltily.]

THIRD VILLAGER
I got better.

ALL
Burn her anyway!! Burn her, burn her!!

BEDEVERE
Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
she is a witch.

[ARTHUR and PATSY ride up and watch with interest.]

ALL
Are there? Ah? What are they? Tell us. Tell us.

BEDEVERE
Tell me ... what do you do with witches?

ALL
Burn! Burn them up! Burn!

BEDEVERE
And what do you burn, apart from witches?

FIRST VILLAGER
More witches!!

[Silence. A pause.]

SECOND VILLAGER
... Wood?

BEDEVERE
So why do witches burn?

[Pause.]

THIRD VILLAGER (softly)
... Because they're made of wood...?

BEDEVERE
Good.

[The PEASANTS stir uneasily and then come round to this conclusion.]

ALL
Oh yeah.

BEDEVERE
So how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

FIRST VILLAGER
Build a bridge out of her!

BEDEVERE
Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

ALL
Oh. Yes, of course ... um ...

BEDEVERE
Does wood sink in water?

FIRST VILLAGER
No, no.

SECOND VILLAGER
No, it floats! It floats!

FIRST VILLAGER
Throw her into the pond!

ALL
The pond! Throw her into the pond!

BEDEVERE
What also floats in water?

FIRST VILLAGER
Bread!

SECOND VILLAGER
Apples!

THIRD VILLAGER
Uh, very small rocks!

FIRST VILLAGER
Cider!

SECOND VILLAGER
Grea -- Gravy!

FIRST VILLAGER
Cherries!

SECOND VILLAGER
Mud!

THIRD VILLAGER
Uh, churches! Churches!

SECOND VILLAGER
Lead! Lead!

ARTHUR (forcefully, from out of nowhere)
A duck!

[They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.]

BEDEVERE
Exactly. So ... logically ...

FIRST VILLAGER
(He is catching on now)
If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.

BEDEVERE
And therefore?

ALL
A witch! A witch! ... A duck! Fetch a duck.

BEDEVERE
Very good. We shall use my largest scales.

[He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of wood and rope and leather. A duck is procured from Mr. Innes. They put the girl in one pan and the duck in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. BEDEVERE checks each pan then... ]

BEDEVERE
Right! Remove the supports.

[Two PEASANTS knock them away. The GIRL and the duck swing slightly but balance, to the mob's delight.]

ALL
A witch! A witch! A witch!

WITCH
It's a fair cop.

All
Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder.

(Stavro Arrgolus)

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Current Rating 9.3 (3 votes)

Available on the following albums:
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (CD Reissue)	The Album of the Soundtrack of the Trailer of the Film of Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Contact us if you know of another album that contains this song

Played on 1 show:
	06-20-23, #KMCC- 16-07
	= Show you can listen to online

Song Images:

Messages about the song: "How Do You Tell A Witch?"

	Stavro Arrgolus Offline - Editor, MP3 - 09-05-23 01:59 PM - 1 year ago
	Bugger all. The song page merge is working again. Its merge indicator, however, is not. Neither is the artist merge. Perhaps one was fixed?

	Wacky Ben Offline - Artist & D.J. - 06-20-23 05:01 PM - 1 year ago
	madmusic.com/song_details.aspx?SongID=25824

	Stavro Arrgolus Offline - Editor, MP3 - 11-07-22 06:48 PM - 2 years ago
	Mp3 replaced. This happens far too often. Perhaps there should be an admin status requirement to overwrite an mp3 to keep this sort of thing from going on. --- Dave AuJus: It seems to be a copy of Happy Birthday, Co-Worker By: The Bullet Points --- Wacky Ben: I don’t know what mp3 this is but it’s certainly not the right one and not Monty Python.

	Dave AuJus Offline - Artist & D.J. - 11-07-22 05:39 PM - 2 years ago
	It seems to be a copy of Happy Birthday, Co-Worker By: The Bullet Points --- Wacky Ben: I don’t know what mp3 this is but it’s certainly not the right one and not Monty Python.

	Wacky Ben Offline - Artist & D.J. - 11-07-22 04:39 PM - 2 years ago
	I don’t know what mp3 this is but it’s certainly not the right one and not Monty Python.

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