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| Facts: |
| This is the TV version from Python Ep. 19 rather than the stage version performed at the Drury Lane concert. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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| Song Lyrics: |
Linkman (very excited): Hello and welcome to 'Election Night Special'. There's great excitement here as we should be getting the first results through any minute now. We don't know where it'll be from...it might be Leicester or from Luton. The polling's been quite heavy in both areas... oh, wait a moment...I'm just getting...I'm just getting a loud buzzing noise in my left ear. Excuse me a moment. (he bangs ear and knocks a large bee out) Uuggh! (cheering from crowd). Anyway, let's go straight over to James Gilbert at Leicester.
Voice Over: Well it's a straight fight here at Leicester...On the left of the Returning Officer (camera shoes grey-suited man) you can see Arthur Smith, the Sensible candidate and his agent, (camera pans to silly people) and on the other side is the silly candidate Jethro Walrustitty with his agent and his wife.
Officer: Here is the result for Leicester. Arthur J. Smith...
Voice Over: Sensible Party
Officer: 30,612...Jethro Q. Walrustitty...
Voice Over: Silly Party
Officer: 32,108.
Linkman: (even more excited) Well, there's the first result and the Silly Party has held Leicester. What do you make of that, Norman?
Norman: Well, this is largely as I predicted, except that the Silly Party won. I think this is largely due to the number of votes cast. Gerald?
Gerald: Well there's a swing here to the Silly Party...but how big a swing I'm not going to tell you.
George: Well, if I may...I think the interesting thing here is the big swing to the Silly Party and of course the very large swing back to the Sensible Party...and a tendency to wobble up and down in the middle because the screw's loose.
Alphonse: No, I'm afraid I can't think of anything.
Eric: I can't add anything to that. Colin?
Colin: (Ian Davidson) Can I butt in at this point and say this is in fact the very first time I've appeared on television.
Linkman: No, no we haven't time, because we're just going straight over to Luton.
Voice Over: Here at Luton it's a three-cornered fight between Alan Jones - Sensible Party, in the middle, Tarquin Fin- tim- lim- bim- whin- bim- lim- bus- stop- F'tang- F'tang- Olè- Biscuitbarrel - Silly Party, and Kevin Phillips-Bong, the Slightly Silly candidate.
Officer: Alan Jones...
Voice Over: On the left, Sensible Party
Officer: 9,112... Kevin Phillips-Bong...
Voice Over: On the right, Slightly Silly.
Officer: Nought...Tarquin Fin- tim- lin- bin- whin- bim- lin- bus- stop- F'tang- F'tang- Olé- Biscuitbarrel...
Voice Over: Silly.
Officer: 12,441.
Voice Over: And so the Silly Party has taken Luton.
Linkman: A gain for the Silly Party at Luton. The first gain of the election, Norman?
Norman: Well this is a highly significant result. Luton, normally a very sensible constituency with a high proportion of people who aren't a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.
Linkman: Do we have the swing at Luton?
Gerald: Well, I've worked out the swing, but it's a secret.
Linkman: Er, well, ah, there...there isn't the swing, how about the swong?
Norman: Well, I've got the swong here in this box and it's looking fine. I can see through the breathing holes that it's eating up peanuts at the rate of naught.
Linkman: And how about the swang?
Alphonse: Well, it's 29% up over six hundred feet but it's a little bit soft around the edges about...
Linkman: What do you make of the nylon dot cardigan and plastic mule rest?
Voice: (off) There's no such thing.
Linkman: Thank you, Spike.
Norman: Can I just come in here and say that the swong has choked itself to death.
George: Well, the election's really beginning to hot up now!
Eric: I can't add anything to that.
Colin: Can I just add at this point that this is in fact the second time I've ever been on television?
Linkman: I'm sorry, Sasha, we're just about to get another result.
Voice Over: Hello, from Harpenden. This is a key seat because in addition to the official Silly candidate there is an independent Very Silly candidate (in large cube of polystyrene with only legs sticking out) who may split the silly vote.
Officer: Mrs Elsie Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... (man in drag with enormous joke breasts)
Voice Over: Silly.
Officer: 26,317... James Walker...
Voice Over: Sensible.
Officer: 26,318.
Voice Over: That was close.
Officer: Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Umbrella Stand Jasper Wednesday (pops mouth twice) Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable (sound effect of horse whinnying) Arthur Norman Michael (blows squeker) Featherstone Smith (blows whistle) Northgot Edwards Harris (fires pistol, which goes 'whoop') Mason (chuff-chuff-chuff) Frampton Jones Fruitbat Gilbert (sings) 'We'll keep a welcome in the' (three shots, stops singing) Williams If I Could Walk That Way Jenkin (squeker) Tiger-draws Pratt Thompson (sings) 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head' Darcy Carter (horn) Pussycat 'Don't Sleep In The Subway' Barton Mannering (hoot, 'whoop') Smith.
Voice Over: Very Silly.
Officer: Two.
Voice Over: Well there you have it. A Sensible gain at Driffield.
Linkman: Norman
Norman: Well, I've just heard from Luton that my auntie's ill, er, possibly, possibly gastro-enteritis - Gerald.
Gerald: Er, well, if this were repeated over the whole country it's probably be very messy. Colin.
Colin: Can I just butt in and say here that it's probably the last time I shall ever appear on television.
Linkman: No I'm afraid you can't, we haven't got time. Just to bring you up to date with a few results, er, that you may have missed. Engelbert Humperdinck has taken Barrow-in-Furness, that's a gain from Ann Haydon-Jones and her husband Pip. Arthur Negus has held Bristols. That's not a result, that's a bit of gossip. Er...Mary Whitehouse has just taken umbrage. Could it be a bit of trouble there. And apparently Wales is not swinging at all. No surprise there. And...Monty Python has held the credits. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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