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| Facts: |
| The original version of the 'Bookshop' sketch with Marty Feldman as 'Mr. Pest'. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
| Web pages about this song: |
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| Song Lyrics: |
C: = John Cleese
F: = Marty Feldman
C: Good morning, sir.
F: Good morning, can you help me? Do you have a copy of "Thirty Days in the Samarkand Desert With A Spoon" by A.J. Elliot?
C: No, we haven't got it in stock, sir.
F: How about "A Hundred-and-One Ways to Start a Monsoon"?
C: By...?
F: An Indian gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment.
C: Well, I don't know the book, sir.
F: Not to worry, not to worry. Can you help me with "David
Copperfield"?
C: Ah, yes, Dickens.
F: No.
C: I beg your pardon?
F: No, Edmund Wells.
C: I think you'll find Charles Dickens wrote "David Copperfield".
F: No, Charles Dickens wrote "David Copperfield" with two "p"'s
- this is "David Coperfield" with *one* "p" by Edmund Wells.
C: Well, in that case we don't have it.
F: Um - funny, you've got a lot of books here.
C: Yes, we do have quite a lot of books here, but we don't have
"David Coperfield" with one "p" by Edmund Wells. We only have "David Copperfield" with two "p"'s by Charles Dickens.
F: Pity - it's more thorough than Dickens.
C: More thorough?
F: Yes - I wonder if it's worth having a look at all the "David
Copperfield"s...
C: No, no, I'm quite sure that all our "David Copperfield"s have
two "p"'s.
F: Probably, but the original by Edmund Wells also had two "p"'s
- it was after that that they ran into copyright difficulties.
C: No, I'm quite sure that all our "David Copperfields" with two
"p"'s are by Charles Dickens.
F: How about "Great Expectations"?
C: Ah yes, we have that...
F: That's "G-r-a-t-e Expectations", also by Edmund Wells.
C: Well, in that case we don't have it - we don't have anything
by Edmund Wells, actually - he's not very popular.
F: Not "Nicholas Nickleby? That's K-n-i-c-k-e-r, Knickerless?
C: No.
F: Or "Christmas Carol" with a q?
C: No, definitely not.
F: Sorry to trouble you.
C: Not at all.
F: I wonder if you have of "Rarnaby Budge"?
C: No, as I say, we're right out of Edmund Wells.
F: No, not Edmund Wells - Charles Dickens.
C: Charles Dickens?
F: Yes.
C: You mean "Barnaby Rudge".
F: No, "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dickens - that's Dikkens with
two k's, the well-known Dutch author.
C: No, no - we don't have "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens with two k's, the well-known Dutch author and perhaps to save time, I should add right away that we don't have "Carnaby Fudge" by Darles Tikkens, nor "Stickwick Stapers" by Miles Pikkens with four m's and a silent q. Why don't you try the chemist?
F: I have - they sent me here.
C: Did they.
F: I wonder if you have "The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys Stoat-Pamphlet and Her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Among the Giant Pygmies of Corsica", Volume Two?
C: No, no, we don't have that one- funny, we've got quite a lot
of books here.
F: Yes, haven't you.
C: Well, I mustn't keep you standing around all day...
F: I wonder...
C: No, no, we haven't. - I'm closing for lunch now...
F: But I thought I saw it over there.
C: Where?
F: Over there...
C: What?
F: "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds".
C: "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds"?
F: Yes.
C: O-l-s-e-n?
F: Yes.
C: B-i-r-d-s?
F: Yes.
C: Yes, well we do have that one.
F: The expurgated version, of course.
C: I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
F: The expurgated version.
C: The expurgated version of "Olsen's Standard Book Of British Birds"?
F: Yes. It's the one without the gannet.
C: The one without the gannet? They've all got the gannet- it's a standard bird, the gannet - it's in all the books.
F: Well I don't like them, long nasty beaks they've got.
C: Well you can't expect them to produce a special edition for
gannet-haters!
F: Well, I'm sorry, I specially want the one without the gannet.
C: All right! {tears out illustration} Anything else?
F: Well, I'm not too keen on robins.
C: Right! Robins - robins... {tears them out} No gannets, no
robins - there's your book!
F: I can't buy that - it's torn!
C: It's torn! So it is! {Throws it away}
F: I wonder if you've got...
C: Go on, ask me another - we've got lots of books here - this
is a bookshop, you know!
F: How about "Biggles Combs His Hair"?
C: No, no, no, we don't have that one, no, no, funny - try me
again.
F: Have you got "Ethel The Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying"?
C: No, no, we haven't got - which one?
F: "Ethel The Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying"
C: "Ethel The Aardvark"? I've seen it! We've got it! Here!
Here! Here! "Ethel The Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying". There! Now - buy it!
F: I haven't got enough money on me.
C: I'll take a deposit!
F: I haven't got any money on me.
C: I'll take a check!
F: I haven't got a checkbook.
C: It's all right, I've got a blank one!
F: I don't have a bank account.
C: Right! I'll buy it for you! {rings it up} There we are, there's your change - that's for the taxi on the way home -
F: Wait, wait, wait...
C: WHAT? WHAT?
F: I can't read!
C: Right- SIT!... "Ethel The Aardvark was trotting down the lane
one lovely summer day, trottety-trottety-trot, when she saw a
Quantity Surveyor...."
(Stavro Arrgolus) |
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