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Rank this week: 24 (↑12)
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DM: Galstaff, are you sure you've decided to haggle with the blacksmith?
Galstaff: Yes, and I'm using my Ring of Charms, which adds a +10 to all convincing rolls.
DM: You don't have to remind me. (rolls dice) You seem to have convinced the blacksmith to lower the price of the sword.
Galstaff: Rock and roll! I use the sword.
DM: What do you mean, you use it?
Galstaff: I swing it around to see if it's magical.
DM: can't tell if a sword is magical by swinging it. It's not...
Galstaff: I know.
DM: It's not a lightsaber.
Galstaff: Well, whatever. However, I'm supposed to find out if it's magical.
DM: It's called a detect magic spell.
Galstaff: I didn't want to use that up.
DM: Well, say you slept for six hours after you cast it.
Galstaff: Okay, detect magic.
DM: It's not magical.
Galstaff: Dude! He said it was a magical sword.
DM: He was lying.
Galstaff: He said he never tells a lie.
DM: He was lying when he said that.
Galstaff: Dude.
Nightblade: Hey, hey, hey, look who brought the Mountain Dew!
DM: Yeah!
Galstaff: Right on!
Nightblade: (singing) Fly by night of Mountain Dew, Mountain Dew for you...
DM: Galstaff, as you are standing in a dirt road swinging a very unmagical sword, you see the strangest sight. A halfling thief is walking towards you singing "Fly by Night"
Galstaff: Nightblade!
Nightblade: Hey, hey, hey
DM: It's Nightblade the halfling thief, and he's carrying a 12-pack of Mountain Dew.
Galstaff: No way! His character's carrying Mountain Dew too?
DM: If I roll a 10 or above, then yes. (rolls dice) Eleven. Here's your character, Nightblade. Where's Picard the Elvin Ranger?
Nightblade: He's coming, and he's bringing his girlfriend.
Galstaff: And your point is?
Nightblade: Well, she's gonna wanna play.
DM: Fine, she can play. Anyone can play. We're a Brown Deer High School-endorsed activity with membership open to the student body. I don't care if Greg Erdman wants to play, if he brings his own dice. If Sara Doheeny wants to play Advanced Dungeons and Dragons with us, she can play Titania.
Galstaff: Ooooh.
Nightblade: Isn't that your character?
DM: It's not my character, I'm the DM. Sometimes I have to send non-player characters along with you to provide vital information.
Nightblade: Yeah, but it seems like mostly you just end up talking through Titania.
DM: Whatever. Now we have a girl to play Titania.
Picard: Hey, guys, what's up. Hey, Sara, do you know everybody here?
Sara: I'm in Biology with Scott.
Galstaff: Galstaff!
Sara: And you're...
Galstaff: He's Nightblade.
Nightblade: Jeremy.
Galstaff: And Graham.
DM: Are you going to play D&D with us?
Sara: I don't really know the rules.
Picard: Listen, there aren't any rules. It's a game of the imagination.
Sara: Oh, okay.
DM: This is your character sheet--your name is Titania.
Sara: I don't know what any of this stuff means.
Picard: I'll help you.
Sara: Okay.
DM: Well, it's way after 4:00, so can we get started. (Various affirmative responses) Nightblade, you've been chatting with Galstaff in the village road and you now see Picard the Elvin Ranger approaching.
Picard: And Titania.
DM: Well she's not here.
Sara: Where am I?
DM: Titania, you are in darkness.
Sara: Is there anything here?
DM: You're in darkness.
Sara: Oh...I turn on the light.
DM: Yeah, Thomas Edison appears in front of you and says, "idiot, I haven't been born yet."
Sara: I attack him with my sword. What?
Galstaff: He's not really there. That's DM magic.
Sara: What?
Picard: It's a joke, Sara.
Sara: I don't get it.
Picard: Come on, Graham, you're confusing her.
Nightblade: I'm gonna go to the snack machine.
DM: Wait, you guys are in the village.
Nightblade: Hey, I can still hear you. Let's go to the tavern!
DM: Nightblade is wandering off to the tavern.
Picard: As usual--Nightblade always goes to the tavern.
Sara: I still in darkness?
Picard: Maybe you should light a torch.
Nightblade: Does anyone have another quarter?
Sara: I light a torch.
DM: Very good. You are in a room, but no more helping.
Sara: What's in the room?
DM: Nothing.
Sara: I go to the door.
DM: There's no door.
Picard: Graham!
DM: The characters were in a certain place at a certain time at the end of the last adventure. I can't put her on a fluffy cloud just because she's your girlfriend.
Picard: Well, where is she?
DM: If you can't remember, then your character can't remember.
Picard: Well my character casts a locate person spell.
DM: (rolls dice) She's on the fifth sublevel of the Queen of Spiders' dungeon, remember?
Picard: Oh brother.
Nightblade: Am I in the tavern yet?
DM: Yes!
Nightblade: Does anyone have an extra quarter, because otherwise I gotta get Funyuns.
Picard: Galstaff!
Galstaff: Yes, my friend of steady arrow and ready wit.
Picard: We have to rescue Titania!
Galstaff: I will accompany you if you kill the blacksmith that sold me this sword.
Sara: Yeah, kill the blacksmith. That sounds fun.
DM: Don't kill the blacksmith, that's stupid.
Picard: So, what, are we doing it wrong now? He told me to kill the blacksmith, I kill the blacksmith.
DM: But your character wouldn't do that.
Picard: What makes you such an expert?
DM: The blacksmith turns into a dragon and eats you!
Picard: Huh.
Nightblade: The Funyuns are stuck in the machine!
Sara: I'm gonna go home--I'm just in the stupid dark room anyway.
Picard: Sara, wait, don't go!
Sara: Call me later, okay?
Picard: Okay. What the hell's your problem?
DM: What's yours?
Picard: I don't know what you're talking about.
DM: Yeah right! Don't get mad at me just because your girlfriend didn't have a good time; for God's sake, this is Advanced, Mark.
Picard: Advance this!
DM: Shut up!
Picard: Oh, that's creative.
DM: I'm not worried about my creativity, Mark, I'm the Dungeon Master. I control worlds, universes. Every potion you drink, I mixed. Every magic item you find, I put it there. Do you remember when you killed that hill giant?
Picard: I rolled a 20, double damage.
DM: You rolled a 19, Mark. I fudged it. That giant would've killed you, man, but I admired your spark. You wanted it so badly, so I helped because I wanted to, and I help people when I want to, and right now you're roasting in the hot belly of a platinum dragon, so why don't you ask yourself where your priorities lie.
Nightblade: Are we still playing?
Picard: Yeah.
Galstaff: In that case, Galstaff casts a friendship spell on both of you.
Nightblade: Friendship? What kind of gayness is that?
Galstaff: Shut up, Nightgayde!
Nightblade: I'm not gay, I was in the tavern with wenches.
Galstaff: Yeah, male gay wenches.
Nightblade: Like you!
DM: You guys, shut up! Titania is here.
Picard: Titania?
DM: She says, "what?"
Picard: How did you get out of the dungeons.
DM: I turned my bag of holding inside-out, wrapped it around me, and walked through the dungeon walls.
Picard: You can do that?
DM: It's all in the dice.
Picard: Well, let's go on an adventure.
DM: Shouldn't we get Sara?
Picard: No. You play Titania.
DM: Titania gives you a crystal. She says, "anytime you need me, you can use this."
Nightblade: Um...are you guys being funny.
Galstaff: Eeewww.
Current Rating 10.0 (1 vote)
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Song samples are provided for information purposes only and are intended to enable the users to sample the music (as they are in very low quality) before they take the decision of purchasing the music. This right is expressly permitted under "Fair Use" as nonprofit educational purposes only. The ownership of the copyright of the songs rests with the respective owners.

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