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Song Details
Rank this week: 36 (↑6)
Duration: 5:51 
Release Date: 1981  (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Lyrics By: Billy Connolly (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: Jeff Barry/Ben Raleigh (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By:
Released By: Polydor (Stavro Arrgolus) 
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Licensing:
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  • Just to be a bit anal about this... for everyone in America not familiar with the British term, "juggernaut" is the British equivalent of "big rig". Or it was in the '70s, anyway. He's not singing about that "X-Men" villain.

    Also, "Alsatian" is British for "German Shepherd". (Stavro Arrgolus)
  • Song Lyrics:
    (chorus, shouted:)
    TELL LAURA I LOVE HER!
    TELL LAURA I NEED HER!
    TELL LAURA NOT TO CRY
    MY LOVE FOR HER WILL NEVER DIE!

    Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna tell ya...

    Oh, yes, Laura and I were lovers for a long time
    ladies and gentlemen
    'Til God took her away for a special purpose of His very own
    I must admit I was a bit cheesed off at the time
    I had a special purpose in mind myself
    But there you go.

    Oh, sure, we'd lovers tiffs like anybody else
    Like the time, in a moment of weakness, I...sunk
    And I bought a dirty magazine
    And in that magazine, ladies and gentlemen
    I read about erogenous zones
    In a very sly way, ladies and gentlemen
    I invited Laura over to my place, ostensibly for coffee and cookies
    And we were sitting on the sofa
    And we were necking, ladies and gentlemen, necking
    And I guess I must have touched one of her erogenous zones
    ladies and gentlemen, 'cause she kneed me in one of mine

    (chorus)

    Oh, ladies and gentlemen, I can't tell ya...

    How could I ever forget that day God took Laura away
    for a special purpose of His own?
    We were downtown shopping for Laura's mum
    She wanted some rubber bedclothes and an inflatable man
    Strange woman, Laura's mum..
    But anyhow, we were walking hand in hand down Main Street
    When a child ran onto the road, ladies and gentlemen
    I said, "Oh, my God! My nerves!" and I covered my eyes
    I guess I'm that kind of guy
    But Laura, who was made of stronger stuff than I
    Dashed onto the road to save that child

    Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna tell ya
    The child made to the other side
    and turned round and said "Eee eu eee-e eh eu"
    But Laura didn't
    She made it to the white line in the center of the road
    ladies and gentlemen
    When a juggernaut came round the corner sideways and
    flattened her

    TELL LAURA I LOVE HER!
    TELL LAURA I NEED HER!
    (I blame myself, I blame myself!)
    TELL LAURA NOT TO CRY
    MY LOVE FOR HER
    WILL NEVER DIE!

    Oh, ladies and gentlemen, how can I tell you...

    Some nights I lie awake, awash with sweat
    as I hear the exact noise those lorries made when they
    flattened Laura. It was a sorta SPLATTTTT!!!
    You know the noise you get
    when you stick a straw up a frog's bum and blow really hard?
    I blame myself

    I wanna tell ya, ladies and gentlemen
    Main Street was not a pretty sight
    There was bits of Laura everywhere
    I remember, two bits were slidin' down the Post Office window
    And a big Alsatian came round the corner and made off with another couple of bits. And it was with a heavy heart
    and a tear in either eye-
    I searched and I searched, but I couldn't find the
    bit I was looking for!

    (chorus)
    (Stavro Arrgolus)
    HyperLink  
    Current Rating 9.5 (1 vote)
    Played on 4 shows:
    10-21-13, #MMS-17603-01-92, #92-09
    01-08-12, #MMS-15004-21-91, #91-16
    = Show you can listen to online
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