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Song Details
Duration: 3:20 
Release Date: 1969  (peterpuck9) 
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  • This sketch is featured in Episode 6 of "Monty Python's Flying Circus" TV show. (peterpuck9)
  • Song Lyrics:
    The Crunchy Frog Sketch from "Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl" and "Monty Python Live at City Center 1976"

    Inspector: 'ELLO!
    Mr. Hilton: 'Ello.
    Inspector: Mr. 'ilton?
    Hilton: A-yes?
    I: You are the sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?
    H: I am, yes.
    I: Constable Clitoris and I are from the 'ygiene squad, and we'd like to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the "Whizzo Quality Assortment".
    H: Oh, yes.
    I: If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the Cherry Fondue. Now this is extremely nasty. (pause) But we can't prosecute you for that.
    H: Ah, agreed.
    I: Then we have number four. Number four: Crunchy Frog.
    H: Yes.
    I: Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in 'ere?
    H: Yes, a little one.
    I: What sort of frog?
    H: A...a *dead* frog.
    I: Is it cooked?
    H: No.
    I: What, a RAW frog?!?
    H: Oh, we use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in a succulent, Swiss, quintuple-smooth, treble-milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose.
    I: That's as may be, but it's still a frog!
    H: What else?
    I: Well, don't you even take the bones out?
    H: If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?
    I: Constable Clitoris et one of those!! We have to protect the public!
    C: Uh, would you excuse me a moment, Sir? (exits)
    I: We have to protect the public! People aren't going to think there's a real frog in chocolate! Constable Clitoris thought it was an almond whirl! They're bound to expect some sort of mock frog!
    H: (outraged) MOCK frog!?! We use NO artificial additives or preservatives of ANY kind!
    I: Nevertheless, I advise you in future to replace the words "Crunchy Frog" with the legend, "Crunchy, Raw, Unboned Real Dead Frog" if you wish to avoid prosecution!
    H: What about our sales?
    I: f**k your sales! We've got to protect the public! Now what about this one, number five, it was number five, wasn't it? Number five: Ram's Bladder Cup. (beat) Now, what sort of confectionery is that?!?
    H: Oh, we use only the finest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish Ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavored with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue, and garnished with lark's vomit.
    I: LARK'S VOMIT?!?!?
    H: Correct.
    I: It doesn't say anything here about lark's vomit!
    H: Ah, it does, at the bottom of the label, after "monosodium glutamate".
    I: I hardly think that's good enough! I think it's be more appropriate if the box bore a big red label: "WARNING: LARK'S VOMIT!!!"
    H: Our sales would plummet!
    I: (screaming) Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionery??!!
    (the constable returns)
    I: Like Praline, or, or Lime Creme, a very popular flavor, I'm lead to understand. Or Raspberry Lite. I mean, what's this one, what's this one? 'Ere we are: Cockroach Cluster! -- -- Anthrax Ripple!

    ** For those of you watching this transcript on your terminal, the young **
    ** constable has just thrown up into his helmet. This is the longest **
    ** continuous vomit seen on Broadway since John Barrymore puked over Laertes **
    ** in the second act of Hamlet in 1941. **

    I: (continuing) And what is this one: Spring Surprise?
    H: Ah, that's one of our specialities. Covered in dark, velvety chocolate, when you pop it into your mouth, stainless steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks.
    I: (stunned) Well where's the pleasure in THAT?!? If people pop a nice little chockie into their mouth, they don't expect to get their cheeks pierced!!! In any case, it is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.
    H: (shrugging) It's a fair cop.
    I: And DON'T talk to the audience.
    (Marcus Tee)
    Current Rating 10.0 (4 votes)
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