Headlines by George Carlin

Song Details

Headlines
By: George Carlin

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Duration:	4:21
Release Date:	1977 (Stavro Arrgolus)
Lyrics By:	George Carlin (Stavro Arrgolus)
Music By:	N/A (Stavro Arrgolus)
Produced By:	Monte Kay/Jack Lewis/George Carlin (Stavro Arrgolus)
Released By:	Little David LD 1075 (Stavro Arrgolus)
Published By:	Dead Sea Music Inc. (Stavro Arrgolus)
Licensing:	BMI (Stavro Arrgolus)
Keywords:	NEWS PARODY, STAND-UP COMEDY

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Facts:

Bits from this routine were used in cartoon segments for one of Carlin's HBO specials in 1984. (Stavro Arrgolus)

"..use food stamps to mail a watermelon."
Carlin eventually caught on to the unintentional racism in that line and changed it in later performances. (Stavro Arrgolus)

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Song Lyrics:

Like to take a look at the news. First of all, the headlines.

Twenty-one killed in twenty-one gun salute.

Off-duty policeman shot by on-duty criminal.

And a man with a power saw has been hit by a falling tree.

Police fired over the heads of rioters today; however, they killed 200 people living on the second floor.

A physician in Florida claims that he is treating a 107 year old woman who is pregnant. He claims that because of her advanced age, she will have a grown-up.

A man has barricaded himself inside his house; however, he is not armed and nobody is paying any attention to him.

A Milwaukee man has been arrested for trying to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.

The Food and Drug Administration has announced that saliva causes stomach cancer. However, only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

Here are the results of the latest Gallup poll: 48% of the people were not home, 32% of the people made believe they weren't home and 20% of the people have no front door.

Seventy-one people suffered numerous gunshot wounds in the feet today as two armed midgets ran amok in a downtown bar. Patrons of the tavern claim that the two entered riding horsey-back and the trouble started when the one on the bottom began to get drunk. In addition to the foot wounds, extensive damage to the baseboards and electrical outlets was also reported.

Out at the lake at City Park today, police arrested a one armed man who was bothering the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle.

A dog exploded on a busy downtown street corner. No one was killed, however twenty people were overcome by fur. In addition, police estimate that between a hundred and a hundred fifty fleas also lost their lives in the blast.

To kind of wind up the news tonight, a team of medical scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim that no one has shown the slightest bit of interest in it.
(Stavro Arrgolus)

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Available on the following albums:
On the Road	The Little David Years: 1971-1977
Contact us if you know of another album that contains this song

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