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Anyway. Now we come to the practical portion of our show. This is the practical stuff. This is where I actually give advice. Little tips and hints and suggestions on things that’ll help the quality of life. Little things you can put to work almost immediately. In fact, some of you may be aware of my more famous tips from the past: How to get rid of counterfeit money. Put it in the collection plate at church. See how often the simple solution will elude us.
Here’s one: How to get out of jury duty. Lots of people try that don’t they? And they do. A lot of them get out of jury duty by lying. You don’t have to lie tell the judge the truth. Tell them you’ll make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people just like that. Well, today’s suggestions are a little different.
These are just sort of hints on things you can do to keep other people alert during the day when you’re out and about your business. Little ways to keep people on their toes 'cause people need that. And I’m not talking about your friend so much it’s just the general public. People need a little sort of a mental goose during the day to kind of bring them back to reality you know? There are an awful lot of people walking around not all there. And I don’t mean the helpless or the homeless. I don’t mean people who have been kicked out of Matawan without you know their medications and stuff; I’m talking about ******* with jobs. There are people walking around with a kind of [noise]. Kind of a neutral zone around their heads. Some people leave part of their brains at home when they come out in the morning. Hey, some people don’t have that much to bring out in the first place. So I say there are little things you can do to help keep other people on their toes. Did you ever try backing out of a drive-in bank? That’s the kind of thing I mean. Or just walk up to someone on the street and say, "Pardon me, I have nothing to say!" Someone asks you what time it is say, Well it’s either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on. Yeah. Now many of these suggestions… many of these suggestions, which I’m offering, are intended for use on retail clerks because retail clerks seem to need special help. [Noise] Did you ever go into a store and realize immediately that the clerk is running on a lean mixture? The cheese fell off his cracker a long time ago. He’s just a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic. Here’s one to try. Go into a gift shop and ask for your gift. Well they never seem to have mine. I say, I saw your sign I came in for my gift. Save you the trouble of looking all over for me. Doesn’t impress them but it keeps them on their goddamn toes.
Or else just go running into any quiet little store on a Sunday morning and say, "ARE YOU OPEN ON THURSDAY?" They’ll say yes. Say, "THANK YOU." And run. Let them figure it out. It’s not your concern.
Stand on line at the bank for a really long time. One of those new kind of lines they have at the bank. The common feeder line. Used to be every teller had his own line, not anymore. Now you think you’re in f***ing Disneyland. Stand on line a long time. When you finally get up to the window just ask for change of a nickel. They actually call other tellers over to look at you.
Here’s one. Go into the photographer’s studio in your neighborhood and ask the man if you can buy the pictures of the other people. Say how much for that heavyset couple in the window? Oh they will stare at you a long time on that one. In fact, they might even back up several feet.
This one is my current favorite. Go into the dry cleaners and ask the man if he can remove the stains from one pair of pants and put them on another pair of pants. They ought to be able to do that for the same amount of money. While you’re in there ask them if you can get pecker tracks off a wedding gown. That’s the test of a really quality dry cleaner.
Go into a laundry, hand them your shirt and tell them to rotate the buttons.
Go into a gun store, buy a gun and buy some ammunition then ask them if they have any ski masks.
All right. That’s all right. Go into a supermarket. This is a good one for the supermarket. Get your shopping cart in the supermarket and fill it to the top. I mean a huge mound of groceries and then go up to the line and look for somebody with one item and ask them if you can get ahead of them. Do you mind? I’m in a hurry. I only have 1100 items.
Run into a bakery and say, Can you bake a cake in the shape of a penis? They never know they always have to have a meeting. Well I don’t know. Wait a minute now, hold on just a second. Could we have a picture to go by? Well no but I’ll tell you what I’m going do for you lady. Helen? Order more flour Helen.
Next time you’re at a wishing well, doesn’t happen often, next time you’re at a wishing well ask to see the manager. Tell him you’ve been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you give me my money back or I’m shitting in the well.
Here’s one for the baseball park. Baseball Park. You ever notice at the ballgame a lot of guys bring a glove? f**k that; bring a bat! You see a foul ball coming hit back to them. Hit back to them. Yeah. Then stand up and wave at the pitcher. They’ll think you’re a fun fan. They’ll think it’s straitjacket night.
Did you ever notice in some hotels they give you a little sewing kit? You know what I do? I sew the towels together. Sew the sheets to the drapes. Let them know you’ve been there.
Here’s one for the guys. This one is strictly for the guys. Go into a barbershop, tell the man you want to get your pubic hairs streaked. Say, Nothing fancy just frost my bush. They’ll be talking about you for years. The man who had his bush hair sectioned off with aluminum foil. As they try to find a way to fit you under a dryer. You’ll be in the Bush Hall of Fame.
Here’s a good one in the bar. When you’re drinking in the bar. You ever notice in the bar someone always says to you, Hey can I buy you a drink? Say, no thanks but can I have the money instead? Tell him you’re saving up to buy your own goddamn bar.
Now there’s one more area of daily life, which lends itself to keeping people alert and that is when you’re driving. Certainly you’d agree anyone behind the wheel of a car has lots of opportunities to keep people on their toes. And I don’t mean just blowing some guys head off because he cut you off at the red light or something I’m talking about subtle things like putting your car in low gear and following pedestrians into the mall. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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Song samples are provided for information purposes only and are intended
to enable the users to sample the music (as they are in very low quality) before
they take the decision of purchasing the music. This right is expressly permitted
under "Fair Use" as nonprofit educational purposes only. The
ownership of the copyright of the songs rests with the respective owners.
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