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There’s been a lot of talk, as you know, about this violence on the highways. People shooting each other from their cars. I don’t believe too much in that sort of overt violence. I like kind of a preventive violence in my car. Know what I have? In the rear window of my car I have one of those diamond shaped yellow signs that says, "Armed pit bull with AIDS on board." And I’ll tell you even the jackoffs are leaving me alone.
Here’s a little some fun in the car driving along. Somebody’s driving along next to you in the next lane over there and you say, Pull over! Pull over! Pull over! Pull over! He pulls over you keep going. Let him park a while and think it over. Hey, it’s certainly none of your concern. In fact, you don’t want to have anything to do with an a*****e like that. That man is liable to kill someone.
Here’s another little practical joke for the driver. When you’re going through the tollbooth—well, not actually through the booth itself. s**t that would be a big practical joke. I mean when you’re going through the little space...in between the booths. When you get up there and the guy sticks out his hand bargain with him. Try to get yourself a better deal. Tell him you heard it was free Chevrolet Day. Tell him it’s a used road and you’re looking for a discount. Tell him you got no more money you spent it all on ***** and beer. That will wake him up especially if you’re a woman.
Talking about tollbooths. Talking about tollbooths and paying your way. I grew up in this area and I think anyone who’s driven in this area would have to agree with one thing, New Jersey deserves the title, Toll Booth Capital of the United States of America. Huh? Oh yeah. You know because you can’t back out of your driveway in New Jersey without some schmuck in a hat wants 50 cents. And I don’t mind paying tolls, but every 27 feet? bulls**t. I’d like to give them a blank check when I enter New Jersey and I’ll sign it when I leave and let them fill it out. You know what I mean? Leave me out of it for Chrissakes. You can’t make any gas mileage in New Jersey. You’re in a constant state of slowing down. By the time I get to Pennsylvania, I need a f***ing brake job. So I say let them be honest. Let them put it right on the license plates. "New Jersey, The Toll Booth State." What does it say now? The Garden State? Sure if you’re growing smokestacks, yes!
Now don’t get me wrong, I got nothing against New Jersey. I love the place. I used to live right across the river from Jersey and I used to wave to the people. They couldn’t see me; it’s a mile and half, but f**k’em I waved anyway. Why? Because I’m a caring guy. I like New Jersey. I even have one of those T-shirts you guys sell. It says, "Kiss her where it smells. Take her to New Jersey." So I’m a supporter; you can hear that in my voice.
Well, I know you can’t please everyone; that’s true. Well, you see, I mentioned the license plates because I’m interested in what different states put on their license plates. Different states choose different little slogans and I sort of keep an eye on that. Like Florida and Georgia put the county in case these people forget where they live overnight. Indiana says, “Wander.” Sure, just get out and get hit by a f***ing Greyhound bus.
Pennsylvania went cutesy the last time. Pennsylvania’s now says, “You’ve got a friend in Pennsylvania.” Well most of the people who read these things live in f***ing Pennsylvania! Of course they have a friend or 2 by now! 30 or 40 years you meet someone you know? I just… well.
The most dramatic license plate of all has to be New Hampshire’s, which says, Live free or DIE! Well, I’m certainly not going to move there. I get just a little nervous in any state where they mention death right on the license plates.
On the other hand Idaho says, "Famous Potatoes." I guess those are the two extremes in thought. It would seem to me that somewhere in between ‘Live free or die’ and ‘Famous potatoes’ the truth lies...probably it’s a little closer to famous potatoes. But that’s just one fellow’s opinion.
And as long as were talking about things that belong on the back of the car, things that are there to be read, let’s check our bumper stickers before we go out driving. Let’s make sure we have enough bumper stickers on the car. You wouldn’t want to get out in traffic and not have some reading material for the other drivers. What on earth would people ever do at the red lights if it weren’t for my handy rear bumper mobile library service? And I have so many I always have to check to see which ones are current. Let’s see what I have on here today. Kind of an intellectual bumper sticker. "Honk if you’re horn is broken." That ought to hold the average American for about a mile and a half. Here’s a spiritual one. "I’ve found him. I have Jesus in the trunk." And of course my favorite bumper sticker. I’d rather be driving. Usually the guy who has that one is wearing a T-shirt that says, "Same s**t different day." What else do we see on the backs of these cars? "I love my German shepherd." I love your wife.
And of course a humorous license plate frame. You wouldn’t want to wonder too far from home without a humorous license plate frame. Mine says, "My other car is a piece of s**t too."
And let’s not forget the 3 most puke inducing words that man has yet thought of, baby on board. I don’t know what valueless, soulless, yuppie c********r thought of that idea. No idea who. Baby on board. Who gives a f**k? I certainly don’t. You know what these morons are actually telling us don’t you? I know you’ve figured this out. They’re actually saying to us, "We know you’re a shitty driver most of the time, but because our child is near by we expect you to straighten up for a little while." f**k these people. I run them into a goddamn utility pole. Right into a pole huh? Roll that car over. Bounce that kid around a little bit. Let him grow up with a sense of reality for Chrissakes. Life doesn’t change because you post a sign. I’m supposed to alter my driving habits because some woman forgot to put her diaphragm in, isn’t that really nice? Isn’t that a real treat for me? Baby on board. Child in car. Don’t tell me your troubles, lady.
Why don’t you put up an honest sign? a*****e at the wheel! a*****e at the wheel. They don’t sell many of them do they? No. They give them away free with Volvo’s and Audi’s. God help us. And Saab’s. Some of these misfits buy Saab’s. We bought a Saab. Well what’d you buy a Swedish piece of s**t like that for? It’s a safe car. These people think if they buy a safe car, it excuses them for the responsibility of having to learn how to drive the f***ing things. First you learn to drive, then you buy your goddamn safe car.
Well I get pissed, goddamn it, I get pissed! You know there’s a lot… there’s a lot of s**t you have to put up with when you’re driving. Like red lights. When did this bulls**t start? I only noticed them about a month ago myself. And I’ll be honest with you, I don’t stop for them anymore. I did for about a week didn’t like it. f**k ’em. I’m gone. I got no time to sit there jacking around listening to the news. You know my motto in traffic, cop didn’t see it, I didn’t do it. I’m gone. Hey, I haven’t hit anybody yet. Haven’t hit anybody. I’ve had a few people behind me hit each other but hey. That’s not me; that’s back there. Me… I’m gone and I’m getting a whole lot better mileage. Especially in town. Goddamn, them sidewalks come in handy, don’t they?
But what are they going to do if they catch me, give me a ticket? You know that’s the big fear in some people’s lives. Ain’t this a b***h; might get a ticket. You know how to handle a ticket by now don’t you? You got to be firm with the policeman. Be firm with that policeman. Policemen respect strength. While he’s writing out the ticket you got a flash him a whole lot of bad looks. Then when he’s almost finished writing reach over and grab the ticket out of his hand. Tell him you’re going to check it over for mistakes. Then when you’re finished reading it crumble it up and throw it at his feet and say, "f**k you and you’re ticket too! You a*****e in a hat. Can’t you see I have enough garbage on the floor of my car already without another worthless piece of paper from the state? I got 8 or 9 of them ******’ things floating around in here. Hey. Don’t I pay your salary?" They like that when you’re interested in the state budget. "You’re a public servant; get me a glass of water. You pinheaded prick. You’re holding me up Jack. People are waiting for me at a party. I got a trunk full of heroin! Get the f**k out of my way, will ya?"
Tell him it’s your car. Tell him it’s your car and you do what you goddamn want with it. Say, "I own this car. My name is on the pink slip. I do what I what and I own the highway too that my taxes pay for that. There both mine. I own the highway and I own the car. I own everything goddamn it!" He’ll be glad to hear that s**t. That’s what they like, people who know their rights. That way they don’t have to read them to you on the way downtown to the maximum security penitentiary where you’ll spend the rest of your life with no conjugal visits except from some big guy you don’t want one from.
Well I get pissed, goddamn it! There’s a lot of s**t you have to put up with when you’re driving. Like these jogger assholes. I’ve killed 3 of the motherfuckers myself. 3. I have killed 3 jogger assholes. Out. I’d have more… I’d have a few more but I don’t always kill them. Sometimes I just toy with them you know? I pull up in my car and with my right front tire I pull a sneaker off their heel. Of course he can’t hear me coming because he has on his Walkman. I’m wearing my Walkman today. I’m cutting the world out. bulls**t you are, a*****e. They think they’re going to live longer by jogging. Not if they get near my f***ing machine they’re not. You’re going away. It’s Michelin on Nike time!
I don’t know which is worse, the jogger assholes or the bicycle riding creeps. These faggots on their bicycles and they got special little hats, you know. They have special little hats to protect their special little heads. And they all try to act grown up. These bicycle people try to act mature because they know basically they’re dealing with a toy. So they try to act grown up by giving hand signals. That makes them feel adult. They give hand signals. He’s going to tell me where’s he’s going. I’ll tell you where you’re going; you’re going 30 feet up in the f***ing air is where you’re going! Back on the sidewalk with the rest of the children. Didn’t you’re mother tell you to keep your toys in the yard?
Well, I get pissed goddamn it! There’s a lot of s**t you have to put up with when you’re driving. Like the other cars. Have you noticed that hazard? Thousands of these other cars, many of them with people who have licenses apparently, and they get you so f***ing pissed off. Some of these people in their cars they get you so f***ing pissed off. You get so f***ing pissed off you know what I mean? Did you ever get so f***ing pissed off that you forgot where you’re going? Because you got behind someone who isn’t going anywhere either. A man with no destination at all. And I say, Step on all the pedals maybe one of the means go!
Awe they get you pissed. I don’t know where they come from but I believe… I believe there’s an automotive harassment squad that is notified when I leave the house. All right he’s leaving now. Everyone in position. And they’re laying for me all along my route. Here’s a guy making a U-turn in reverse. Here’s a woman backing out of a bush. And each of them has a special talent. Each driver has one thing he does for you. First of all there’s the guy whose turn signal has been on since 1955. Then there’s his opposite. That’s the guy who doesn’t put his turn signal on until he’s finished the turn. He’s going to tell you where he was. And there’s the guy behind you at night who’s bright’s are on. He has his bright’s on in case you want to read. Well I just happen to have a copy of Ivanhoe with me.
Oh don’t they get you pissed off? Don’t they just get you so goddamned mad sometimes when you’re out there. Some of them especially. Here’s one you know. Here’s a feeling you’ll recognize immediately. You ever been behind somebody on like a two lane road or something, somebody you cannot get around, you’ve been behind them already for like 18 minutes and you want to get somewhere and he’s not moving all? And did you ever get so pissed off that all you want to do now is catch up with him to see what the f**k he looks like? You know that feeling? But I just want to see this c********r’s face. Look he looks exactly like I thought he would. Constipated!
Cars to watch out for. First cars, any car where the driver is also on the phone. Technology has brought us these self-important twits. You know if phones were invisible these guys wouldn’t own them. The whole idea is for you to see the phone so you’ll know he’s a busy guy. I’m a busy guy. He’s reaching out that’s what he’d tell you. I’m reaching out. Well, reach out and jerk me off.
Cars to watch out for. People who don’t know how wide there cars are. Only been driving the goddamn thing for 4 years. Don’t know where it fits yet. Well I don’t know if I can fit in there. You could get the f***ing Romanian Army in there!
Car to watch out for. Any car with more than 3 people in it wearing neck braces.
Cars where the driver is also conducting a personal sightseeing tour for the rest of his passengers. There’s a lot of this going on. Hey lady.
Guys in vans. I don’t understand these vans, what’s all the extra space for? They’re never hauling anything. You want to haul lumber rent a truck. You want to get laid, go to a motel like an Evangelist would, for God’s sakes. Use you’re brains a little.
Then there’s these people who want you to go ahead of them. This courtesy bulls**t that’s going around. See I don’t think it’s real courtesy that’s why I don’t like it. It’s a bogus. It’s a counterfeit generosity. Everybody wants me to go first. You go… go ahead… please… go… go. Even when I leave the house in the morning there’s a guy there at 7 a.m. Waiting for me. I’m waiting for you come out so you can go first… go ahead… go on. I think it’s a post-Vietnam guilt syndrome of some kind. You know America has lost its soul so now it’s going to save its body. It’s like the fitness craze in this country. Well [noise] doesn’t work that way; you know what I mean? Doesn’t work that way and I’m sitting in the driveway. I know I’m sitting there, I’m stuck. It looks like I’m stuck but I’m not asking for any help. I’m not asking for anything just sitting there and some yo-yo, some putz, some, some world class high-tech, state-of-the-art yo-yo who hasn’t had a generous thought since St Swithin’s Day slams on his brakes, kills 3 people behind him and doesn’t ask me to go, tells me to go. You, go! f**k you! You go! I like it here! I come here all the time. You go. Then when he goes– crash into him. And if he gets out to complain say, "Hey you said to go."
All right, that’s enough of that for the moment, huh? I’ve got to take a breather. Thank you.
I guess you noticed tonight while we’ve been doing our show we’ve also been electing a pope. And I… ever since I was a little kid, you know when you elect a new pope, he chooses a new name for himself and ever since I was a little kid you know what I was hoping? I’m hoping that someday a pope will choose the name Corky. I just want to see Pope Corky the 23rd you know? I think you’d have to skip right to 23 to give him a little creditability. Somehow Pope Corky the 1st doesn’t make it, does it? Names interest me. As some of you will be going out of here tonight, you might wind up in some of these places which names I haven’t yet figured out who’s in charge. Single’s bars. Have you noticed that single’s bars all seem to think they have to have cute little names that end in ‘S.’ Scamps, Tramps, Chats, Rumors, Cahoots, Bingles, Buckles, Bangles, Jungles, Bongos. I’d like to have a singles bar and call it Nipples and Dicks. A little truth in advertising. The Sperm Club. Snatch ‘O Rama. Frankie’s Fuckery. The Crotchiteria. Café Vagina, Open All Night.
Thank you all very much. Have a good time. Good night Kelly. Good night Kelly. See you all later. Thank you appreciate it. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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Song samples are provided for information purposes only and are intended
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