Less Than Three  By: Worm Quartet

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Duration:	4:04
Release Date:	2007  (Captain Wayne)
Lyrics By:	T. Crist (Stavro Arrgolus)
Music By:	T. Crist (Stavro Arrgolus)
Produced By:	Tom Rockwell (Stavro Arrgolus)
Released By:	FIDIM Interactive, LLC (Stavro Arrgolus)
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Licensing:	CC
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Less Than Three (or Paradise By The CRT Light) Back in my college days My love life was dry as you could get Until that fateful day Al Gore brought us the Internet There was no FireFox We didn’t even have IE Got on the web with Lynx And bathed in the glorious ASCII I found an M.U.D. Where people gathered to hang out And b***h for hours that Their life was nothing to talk about I picked a username Dubbed myself TamponSubmarine And soon an online angel Emoted a smiley on my screen (instrumental whatnot) We started talking and Found that we had so much in common Star Trek movies and A steady diet of Top Ramen She Loved my Oily Llama At least that’s what I thought “LOL” stood for We went to a private chat So we could get acquainted more I worried that my roommate Would soon be stumbling back home To make sure he wouldn’t disturb us I hung a sock over the phone Then turned back to my keyboard To get back to my little e-flirt And in my absence she Had typed she’d taken off her shirt I read her words, my mind went wild, She looked into my eyes and smiled At least she told me that she did Describing every move she’d make, each place she’d touch, each breath she’d take Soon I was typing one-handed Who would’ve thought I’d end my Years of dejected loneliness Making hot keyboard love at 2.4 KbPS X-rated RPG Like Penthouse Forum crossed with Zork My fingers trembling As slowly we began to pork She typed “I run my hands “Ever so slowly up your thighs “Caressing every inch “As I look deep into your eyes “My breathing quickens as “My lips part to take you in” I typed “I ram your face ‘til “I bruise my nuts against your chin” (instrumental whatnot) We fooled around some more ‘Til an idea gave me pause This is an online world We’re bound by no physical laws I typed “I summon Dig Dug “I steal his pump and kick his ass “And then inflate my wang “’Til it’s the size of Mama Cass “Then I bounce it back and forth on the floor screaming ‘BAM BAM!’ and then it births forth an army of enormous mutant sperm, each the size of a grand piano, and they look at me and hiss ‘WHAT BE THY BIDDING, MASTER?’ and I say ‘GO FORTH AND GIVE JERRY BRUCKHEIMER A DRANO ENEMA!” and they go flying off into the grayscale sunset cackling maniacally as a heavenly chorus of angels plays the theme song to ‘Coach’ on kazoo in perfect 13,000-part harmony but I can barely hear them because I’m tearing through the jungle in my laser-powered rocket canoe with Winona Ryder and a talking crime-fighting ninja chicken and we’re… “What? No Carrier? What the hell?” Telnetted back to the domain And in the dark, fingered her name But she was no longer logged in Silently as my hard drive churned I sat awaiting a return But I’d never hear from her again I never will forget that night I caught an angel in mid-flight And for one brief moment, she was mine And though our time has come and gone And though I’m sure that you’ve moved on I’ll always <3 you, SkankLord9 ©2007 Timothy F. Crist (Stavro Arrgolus)

Available on the following albums:
The FuMP, Volume 3	Songs of the Maniacs
Contact us if you know of another album that contains this song

Played on 16 shows:
	09-17-12, #MM-276		01-30-09, #BR-09-58
	09-02-11, #ROTP_367		01-23-09, #BR-09-57
	05-06-11, #ROTP_350		01-09-09, #BR-09-55
	04-01-11, #ROTP_345		07-05-08, #MMCZ_0061
	11-26-10, #ROTP_327		05-24-08, #BR-08-17
	02-13-10, #ROTP_286		01-19-08, #BR-08-02
	10-31-09, #DM_10-31-09		08-13-07, #MM-119
	07-31-09, #BR-09-74		06-30-07, #ROTP_149
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