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| Song Lyrics: |
(a theatrical producer's office)
Peter:
Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next auditioner, please. Mr. Spigott, I believe it is.
(Enter Dudley, hopping energetically on one leg)
Peter: Mr. Spigott, I believe?
Dudley: Yes — Spigott by name, Spigott by nature. (keeps hopping)
Peter: Yes... if you'd like to remain motionless for a moment, Mr. Spigott. Please be stood. Now, Mr. Spigott you are, I believe, auditioning for the part of Tarzan?
Dudley: Right.
Peter: Now, Mr. Spigott, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.
Dudley: You noticed that?
Peter: I noticed that, Mr. Spigott. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now, Mr. Spigott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan — a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged actor.
Dudley: Correct.
Peter: And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.
Dudley: Right.
Peter: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.
Dudley: Very true.
Peter: Well, Mr. Spigott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?
Dudley: Yes, I think you ought to.
Peter: Need I say with overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.
Dudley: The leg division?
Peter: Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spigott. You are deficient in it — to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said ‘A lovely leg for the role.’ I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is — neither have you. You fall down on your left.
Dudley: You mean it's inadequate?
Peter: Yes, it's inadequate, Mr. Spigott. And, to my mind, the British public is not ready for the sight of a one-legged ape-man swinging through the jungly tendrils.
Dudley: I see.
Peter: However, don't despair. After all, you score over a man with no legs at all. Should a legless man come in here demanding the role, I should have no hesitation in saying ‘Get out. Run away’.
Dudley: So there's still a chance?
Peter: There is still a very good chance. If we get no two-legged actors in here within the next two months, there is still a very good chance that you'll land this vital role. Failing two-legged actors, you, a unidexter, are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact telephonically.
Dudley: Well... thank you very much.
Peter: So my advice is, to hop on a bus, go home, and sit by your telephone in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you.
(He shows Dudley out)
Peter: I'm sorry I can't be more definite, but as you realize, it's really a two-legged man we're after. Good morning Mr. Spigott. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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Current Rating
9.6
(2 votes)
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Enter a New Message
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Message:
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Song samples are provided for information purposes only and are intended
to enable the users to sample the music (as they are in very low quality) before
they take the decision of purchasing the music. This right is expressly permitted
under "Fair Use" as nonprofit educational purposes only. The
ownership of the copyright of the songs rests with the respective owners.
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