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Song Details
Kenesaw Mountain Landis 
By: Jonathan Coulton
Play Song (Creative Commons License):
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Duration: 3:31 
Release Date: 11/5/2003  (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Lyrics By: Jonathan Coulton (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: Jonathan Coulton (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: Jonathan Coulton (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: Jonathan Coulton (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By:
Licensing: CC 
Song Lyrics:
Kenesaw Mountain Landis was a bad m**********r
He was seventeen feet tall; he had a hundred and fifty wives
He didn't do that much except he saved the game of baseball
He put two and two together and he noticed it was four
Now the treachery of Shoeless Joe can't hurt us anymore
And he'll always be remembered as Kenesaw Mountain Landis

Fellow named Joe Jackson was a fielder for the Black Sox
And he always wore his black socks, but he never wore no shoes
He weren't the nicest fellow and he had a couple problems
'Cause he drank a lot and he beat his wife and he always acted rude
He killed and ate some babies and he copped an attitude
And the one man that he hated most was Kenesaw Mountain Landis

The Mafia said, "Shoeless Joe
You should really run this show
You should be the guy who owns baseball
And all you really gotta do
Is help us make a buck or two
We'll bet on the other team
You'll lose the game but make it seem
Like nothing could be further from the truth"

Shoeless Joe did what they said; he dropped a couple fly balls
And he walked up to the pitcher and he poked him in the eye
And in the seventh inning with the Black Sox nearly beaten
There was someone who was watching from his blimp above the stands
Cradling a rifle in his thick and meaty hands
And as if you hadn't guessed yet it was Kenesaw Mountain Landis

Kenesaw said, "Drop that glove
Or I swear by God above
I'll make you regret playing baseball"
And Shoeless Joe looked up and saw
The silver rifle's gaping maw
And though no one had noticed yet
His underwear was getting wet
He peed himself in front of everyone

Shoeless Joe was finished but he couldn't quite admit it
So he raised his middle finger up above the other four
And Kenesaw took careful aim and fired a single bullet
And he shot that dirty finger off and he dropped his trusty gun
And everybody in the stands knew that he had won
And today they still refer to him as Kenesaw Mountain Landis

Shoeless Joe left baseball and became a famous pop star
And he asked the musical question "Is she really going out with him?"
He had a couple albums and a comeback in the 80's
But he never won a Grammy and he never was the same
And he never could be satisfied with critical acclaim
'Cause the critics all confused him with the great Elvis Costello
Yes, the critics all confused him with the great Elvis Costello

©2003 Jonathan Coulton
(Stavro Arrgolus)
Current Rating 0.0 (0 votes)
Played on 2 shows:
06-26-18, #MMP-5206-26-14, #MMS-187
= Show you can listen to online
Song Images:
Messages about the song: "Kenesaw Mountain Landis"
Medemia   Offline  -  Artist  -  05-03-10 12:24 PM  -  11 years ago
I always took this to be a wikipedia entry gone bad in my mind. I should go read his website for his motivation on this, but I may not want to ruin my image of it :)
Stavro Arrgolus   Offline  -  Editor, MP3  -  05-01-10 04:57 PM  -  11 years ago
Sometimes wonder if Coulton wrote this whole song just to take a swipe at Joe Jackson in the last verse.
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