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Song Details
Duration: 18:10 
Release Date: 1984  (CapSuper) 
Lyrics By: George Carlin (CapSuper) 
Music By: George Carlin (CapSuper) 
Produced By: George Carlin (CapSuper) 
Released By: Eardrum ED 1001 (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By:
  • Dr. Demento plays a small portion of this very long bit when he includes it in his shows. (Stavro Arrgolus)
  • Song Lyrics:
    Uh, you wanna go for a ride, you wanna go for a ride? Let me go, let me get this. Let’s go for a ride, okay? Well, actually, you’ll go for a ride, I’ll go for a drive. The person who drives the car, they’re the one who goes for a drive. The other people, they go for a ride. People don’t know that, tell them when they’re in your car. Say, "you assholes are going for a ride", I’m going for a drive, 'cause I’m making the payments on this. And this is my car, for purposes of discussion. And it’s like any car, it’s tough to get into it. You know, you gotta get in the car first. And it’s not easy if you think about it, there’s a certain amount of risk involved getting in the car. Have you noticed how wonderful it is the way they designed the car, that the driver’s door is right out in the middle of goddamn traffic. Holy s**t. I mean, you haven’t even gotten in this death machine yet and you almost died once. What you need is a nice, long red light back about a mile and a half, 'cause you need a little time and space to get in your car, with a little style and grace. I’ve often held up traffic for two or three hours just going into my car.

    Now as I said, this is my car. My car has one of those door handles, a lot of people have them I think now, the kind of door handles which is recessed a little bit into the door, and your fingers actually go in a little before they grab it. Don’t you like that? I like that. That’s why they’re not gonna make it anymore. They found out we like that. And my door, when I open my door, my door goes whoooot. And my door swings all the way open, you know what I mean? All the way open. I don’t have one of those fancy doors that hangs there half-way and stays there, you know? My door is either f***ing closed or f***ing open. That’s it, we got two things, pick one. And if you’re gonna do anything really tricky like...get in the car, you better prop that door open with a broom handle, Jack. Cause sure as s**t it’s gonna come back and whoooot, whoa. Oh, and that hurts for about a year and a half, you know? And the little purple ring never goes away.

    Now, I have an additional problem getting into my car because my driver’s seat is pushed all the way forward on those two little runners, and it’s never, never coming back again. There are about 50 of those little pop top beer can rings all fused into one piece of metal, and this thing is never gonna move unless there’s an atomic attack. Now we get in the car if we can and get going here. Well, we had one additional thing, you may have parked in this parking lot where you had full access to your car when you went into the shopping center, but now that you’ve been in there, some a*****e has parked right next to you and you have about four degrees clearance now, and you gotta try and get in, and you’re carrying 12 gifts and wearing a top hat. Plus, your back is not built for this. You know, backs are not made for getting into cars. I’ll tell you, my back hurts just standing around thinking. Imagine this s**t. And besides your back, getting in like this, you also risk serious ball injury from the steering wheel. So far the worst thing that’s happened is the flow through my femoral artery has been cut off for over 18 minutes. Fortunately, I was parked in front of a first aid station at the time.

    But I’m in the car and I’m right up front. What I mean is I’m forward in this car, you know what I mean? I’m right on the firewall, okay? Hey, if I want to look at the speedometer, I gotta go. But at least I’m in the car, ha ha. And the goddamn door is still wide open. Well, maybe I can reach it, you know? Maybe without dislodging myself, I can reach and close the… f**k it, we’ll drive with the door open today. It’s a lovely day anyway, isn’t it? And they say it helps you on left-hand turns. Okay, now we’re gonna be going for this drive/ride any minute here. First, a philosophical question: Have you ever noticed when you’re driving that anyone who’s driving slower than you is an idiot? And anyone driving faster than you is a maniac. Say, look at this idiot here, will you just look at this idiot just creeping along. Whoa, look at that maniac go. I mean, it’s a wonder we ever get anywhere at all with all the idiots and maniacs there are, because there’s certainly no one driving at my speed. I don’t let anybody drive at my speed, do you? bulls**t, some guy is going my speed, f**k him, I slow down, man. Let him get up ahead a little bit. I can keep an eye on that a*****e from back here. I like to know who I’m driving near. I’ll often ask for personal references at a yield sign.

    Okay, now certain stuff we want to remember before we go for a drive, certain basic things. First of all, there are some things that happen in the car, little embarrassments you suffer, but everyone knows about them. Uh, this is an example of what I mean, have you ever been driving someone else’s car and they’re in the car for some reason, you know what I mean? You’re driving their car and they’re there, too. Let’s say they fell out of a window and broke both of their knees in a courtyard for the sake of argument and they can’t drive and you’re driving their car. And you’re used to your car, and your turn signal is mounted on the opposite side of the steering column from their turn signal, and you go to shift gears and you… break off their f***ing turn signal. Holy s**t, came right off, didn’t it? Have to throw that mother away. Goddamn, you have to get a new one of them. s**t, that broke easy, didn’t it? Some things break easy, don’t they? Some things just come right off. Radio knobs in a car, God, they’re fragile. Just trying to tune something in, just trying to find something you can tolerate. Holy s**t, came right off, look at that. Throw that mother away. Give me one out of the bag, I got about 80 of them down there, Thank you. And you wind up listening to something just the other side of the glove compartment.

    Now here’s an embarrassing thing, this is really embarrassing, this will stay with you for several hundred miles. You know those things you don’t shake off right away, like when you almost got killed by the big tractor trailer truck, and you had to pull over for 20 minutes and not do anything but listen to your heart. This is the same kind of thing. And this is one you do it, you do it yourself. This is so great. Did you ever pull up to a red light and you go a little bit too far into the intersection, so you put the car in reverse and you back up just a little bit, and then you forget the car is in reverse. You’re truly an accident waiting to happen. And then the light changes and (crash). Holy s**t! How did I get back here? This is where I started from. God, you gotta pay attention, even at the red lights, don’t you? I thought sure they were for resting. Didn’t it seem that way to you, drive a little while, rest a little while. Oh, you have a lot of fun at the red lights. Did you ever kill somebody at the red light? You can do it, they’re walking right in front of you, man. Let’s kill this a*****e, huh? Nah, let him go, hey, let’s kill this broad, okay? No, f**k it, let her go. Okay. Let’s not kill anybody today. Two people saved, man changes mind.

    Here’s a little red light story somebody told me. A guy is driving along, he’s got someone sitting right next to him and he goes right through a red light. The guy says what are you doing? He said never mind will ya, my brother drives like this. He goes a little bit further, comes to another red light, right through it. What you doing? I told you, will you stop it, my brother drives like this. He comes to a green light and he stops. What are you doing? Well, my brother might be coming the other way.

    What’s the first thing they teach you in driver education, they tell you where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you to put them at 10:00 o’clock and 2:00 o’clock. bulls**t, I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17, gives me an extra half an hour to get to work, you know? By the way, use everything on your car, you know what I mean? It’s yours, f**k it, you paid for the car, use everything, man. Flip your sun visor even on a cloudy day, who knows, flip it over here, flip it up and down, flip it on the side like the French people do. Flip the other one, even if no one is there, open the ash tray, push in the lighter even if you don’t smoke, turn all the knobs, have a lot of fun. Put your hand out the window, tell people to stop, you have power, power, stop, hold on, you stop, oh. And then let one person go, okay, you can go. Not you, you go. Okay, hey, f**k it, have a little fun, you paid for the car, you know what I mean?

    Now, a couple of things for the road like let’s remember not to get behind anybody weird, or even somebody mildly weird. You ever been behind a guy whose turn signal has been on for 80 miles? And you say well, maybe he’s just really cautious, you know? I’m not gonna pull out now, he may go at any moment. And you find out later he was going around the world to the left. You ever have somebody behind you whose brights are on? Isn’t that fun, someone behind you whose brights are on. Someone who just had his headlights aimed and wants to show you what a wonderful job the mechanic did. You know how you take care of those people, don’t you? Slam on the brakes, let them plow right into you, man. Sure puts them f***ing lights out in a big hurry, I’ll tell you that. Let him find his way home, you know what I mean? He got out, he can get home.

    Another kind of person you don’t wanna get behind is anybody ssssslow. Boy, that’s really good for your arteries when you get behind somebody really, really sloooow. There are two classes of human beings to avoid in this category The first one is, any woman whose head you can’t see in the car at all. Any four-foot woman in a Cadillac is certain death. I’d pull over and take public transportation, myself. I’m not f***ing with a ghost car, you know? Let someone else flag down the Flying Dutchman, it’s not my job. You say well, maybe it’s just coasting. No, I see knuckles. It’s definitely not a robot car. And the other type of person, I want to keep these books in balance, the other type of person whom you don’t want to get anywhere near, much less behind, any man over 70 wearing a hat, especially a checkered hat with earflaps… in August. 'Cause you know you get pissed. Even if you think you’re a pretty cool customer, you know you get pissed sometimes. Don’t you wish sometimes instead of having those cute little lights on the front of your car, you had 50 caliber machine guns mounted up there? I’d cream this ********** if I had real ammunition, Maude. Or you wish you had a rented car for just half an hour so you could bash this a*****e and pay the $50 deductible and be done with him, you know what I mean? Just trying to ease him up into second gear. Or, you wish you had a message board that would come up out of the trunk of your car and you could type in any message you like. You drive like old people f**k… slow and sloppy.

    You ever been driving through heavy downtown kind of traffic, you know, block to block, street to street, busy area, not freeway but street to street, people backing out at 5:00 o’clock, busy stuff, maybe it’s winter and it’s dark already and it’s raining a little bit, got the window open, you can hear the rain, you can hear the traffic, people bumping into each other, got the radio on, got the windshield wipers going. So everything is happening at once, radio, windshield, rain, traffic, everything going on, and you’re just trying to get across town to take care of something, you know? And you get over there and park the car, turn off the key and go inside, take care of the business, and you come out and you turn on the key, and the goddamn radio is this loud. Could I possibly have been listening to that? You know, I believe someone broke into this car and tampered with my volume control, and that’s the only thing they touched. Here’s something you’ll be doing tonight, this is one you do all the time, if you get in the car you’re committed to do this following thing over and over. When you’re driving, you have to decide which car to get behind at the red light. There’s a block to go, there are three lanes to choose from, it’s completely up to you to decide who’s the really fast a*****e in this group up ahead.

    Now, just a couple of things to remind you before I tow this trusty little thing back to the garage, a couple of things that go without saying, that’s why I’m going to say them. Uh, first of all, when you’re driving, let’s all keep in mind, when you’re driving and you come to the scene of an accident, for God sakes, slow down and try to find out what’s going on. And if you can’t see enough, ask the policeman to bring the bodies over a little closer to your car. Say, would you bring them over here? My wife has never seen a man shaped in quite that manner. That’s what they’re here for, to protect, to serve and to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. And the other thing which we’ve all heard a million times but it bears repeating, drinking and driving simply do not mix, so do your drinking early and get it out of the way, and then go driving. See ya, thank ya, whoa, a little tow job. Thank you. Okay, thanks, man. Yeah, all right. Sure.
    (Stavro Arrgolus)
    Current Rating 10.0 (2 votes)
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