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| Facts: |
| "Biolek"- the name given to the athlete in this bit who hid remoulade down his shorts, was the name of one of the producers of the German "Fliegender Zirkus" episodes made 8 years earlier. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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| Song Lyrics: |
Newscaster (Eric Idle): And right now it's time for athletics and over to Brian Goebbels in Paris.
Goebbels (Terry Jones): Hello, well you join us here in Paris just a few minutes before the start of today's big event: The final of the Men's Being-Eaten-By-A-Crocodile event. I'm standing now by the crocodile pit,- Oh, merde!
(crunching bones, French shouting, sirens)
Newscaster (Michael Palin): Ah. Well, I'm afraid that we've lost Brian Goebbels, so while they're, they're sorting that out, we have a report from Barry Loathsome in Loughborough on the British preparations for this most important...event.
Loathsome (Eric Idle): Here at Loughborough- the five young men chosen last week to be eaten by a crocodile for Britain this summer. Obviously, the most important part of the event is the opening sixty yard sprint towards the crocs and twenty-two year old Nottingham schoolteacher Gavin Worolowe is rated by some pundits not only the fastest but also the tastiest British morsel since Barry Gordon got a bronze at Helsinki. In charge of the team is Sgt. Major Harold Duke.
Duke (Terry Jones): Nahh, you not only got to get in that pit first, you gotta get eaten first. When you land in front of your croc and 'e opens his mouth, I want to see you right in there! Rub your 'ead up against 'is taste buds! And when those teeth bite into your flesh, use the perches to thrust yourself down his throat...
Loathsome: Duke's trained every British team since 1928, and it's his blend of gymnastic know how, reptilian expertise and culinary skill that's turned many an unappetizing novice into a crocodilic banquet.
Duke: Well, our chefs have been experimenting for many years to find the sauce most likely to tempt the crocodile. On a fish based velouté sauce, but this year we're reverting to a simple béarnaise.
Loathsome: The British team are worried because Olympic regulations allow only the competitor's heads to be sauced. Kevin Worolowe...
Worolowe: Yes, well, I mean, (HACCCK!) you know, four years ago, everyone knew the Italians were coating the insides of their legs with bolognaise, the Russians have been marinating themselves, One of the Germans, Biolek, was actually caught putting, uh, remoulade down his shorts. And the Finns were using tomato flavored running shoes. Uh, I think there should either be unrestricted garnishing or a single, Olympic standard mayonnaise.
Loathsome: Gavin, does it ever worry you that you're actually going to be chewed up by a bloody great crocodile?
Worolowe: The only thing that worries me, Jim, is being the first one down that gullet.
Loathsome: Well, the way things are going here at Loughborough, it looks as though Britain could easily pick up a place in the first seven hundred. But nothing's predictable in this tough, harsh, highly competitive world where today's champion is tomorrow's crocodile s**t. And back to you in the studio, Norman. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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