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| Facts: |
| Bill Hicks rants about Bush (Sr.) and the first Gulf War. Considering what this bit is like, one would think Bill's head would just explode if he saw what was going on today. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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| Song Lyrics: |
So, it's good to be here, wherever I am. Gosh, since I was here, we had a war, that's pretty f***ing weird, huh? A war? Wasn't really a war, you know, a war is when two armies are fighting, so, I don't know if you could call it a war, exactly, you know. The Persian Gulf Distraction, is more like it, I think. Pretty amazing thing, really. Bush turned out to be a major f***ing demon, who woulda guessed? Remember when he was first president, he was the "Wimp President," do you remember that? Cover of Newsweek, cover of f***ing Newsweek, "WIMP PRESIDENT." Apparently, this stuck in this guy's craw a little bit. That guy was a dynamite waiting to go off. (Iraqi voice) We surrendah! (George Bush voice) Not good enough. (Iraqi voice) We run away! (George Bush voice) Too little, too late! Call me a wimp, c'mon, *******, c'mon! Hold him back! Those guys were in hog heaven over there, man. They had a big weapons catalog opened up. (Hillbilly voices) What's G-12 do, Tommy? See, it says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth, helps us pay for the war effort. Well, f**k, pull that one up! Pull up G-12, please. SHOOP. BOOM! Cool, what's G-13 do? Big Sears weapons catalog. 'Weapons, for all occasions!'
You know. See, everyone got boners over the technology, and it was pretty incredible. Watching missiles fly down air vents, pretty unbelievable. But couldn't we feasibly use that same technology to shoot food at hungry people? Know what I mean? Fly over Ethiopia, "There's a guy that needs a banana!" SHOOP. The Stealth Banana. Smart fruit! I don't know.
Once again, I was watching the f***ing news, and it really threw me off. It depressed everyone, it's so scary watching the news, how they built it all out of proportion, like Iraq was ever, or could ever possibly, under any stretch of the imagination be a threat to us-wwwwhatsoever. But-watching the news, you never would have got that idea. Remember how it started, they kept talking about 'the Elite Republican Guard' in these hushed tones like these guys were the bogeymen or something. Yeah, we're doing well now, but we have yet to face-THE ELITE REPUBLICAN GUARD. Like these guys were twelve feet tall, desert warriors. KRRASH. NEVER LOST A BATTLE! KRRASH. WE s**t BULLETS! Yeah, well, after two months of continuous carpet bombings and not one reaction at all from them, they became simply, 'the Republican Guard.' Not nearly as elite as we may have led you to believe. And after another month of bombing, they went from 'the Elite Republican Guard' to 'the Republican Guard' to 'the Republicans made this s**t up about there being guards out there'.
We hope you enjoyed your fireworks show. It was so pretty, and it took our mind off of domestic issues! The Persian Gulf Distraction. People said, "Uh-uh, Bill, Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world." Yeah, maybe, but you know what? After the first three largest armies, there's a real big f***ing drop-off, all right? The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world, and they've already got our airports, okay, so. I think that's the greater threat right now. Mr. Onion Head in Terminal C is scaring the s**t out of me. Get him away from me. What an amazing thing, though. You know, and the amazing thing, obviously, the disparity and the casualties. Iraq - one hundred and fifty thousand casualties, USA - seventy-nine. Iraq - one hundred and fifty thousand, USA - seventy-nine. Does that mean that if we had sent over eighty guys, we still would have won that f***ing thing, or what? One guy in a ticker-take parade: (Hillbilly voices) I did it, hey! You're welcome! Good work, Tommy, how'd you do it? I pulled up G-12! It was in the catalog! Worked like a charm! You know, my biggest problem with the whole thing was that blood lust that came out of everyone, you know, this blood lust, man, it's really unbelievable.
Like, I was over in England. You ever been to England, anyone, been to England? No one has handguns in England, not even the cops. True or false? True. Now-in England last year, they had fourteen deaths from handguns. FFFFFourteen. Now-the United States, and I think you know how we feel about handguns-woooo, I'm getting a warm tingly feeling just saying the f***ing word, to be honest with you. I swear to you, I am hard. Twenty-three thousand deaths from handguns. Now let's go through those numbers again, because they're a little baffling at first glance. England, where no one has guns, fffffffourteen deaths. United States, and I think you know how we feel about guns-woooo, I'm getting a stiffy-twenty-three thousand deaths from handguns. But there's no connection, and you'd be a fool and a Communist to make one. There's no connection between having a gun and shooting someone with it, and not having a gun and not shooting someone. There have been studies made and there is no connection at all there. Yes. That's absolute proof. You know, fourteen deaths from handguns. Probably American tourists, too. (Angry tourist voice) You call this a sandwich? BANG! BANG! You don't boil pizza! BANG! BANG! (Scared English voice) That's the way we eat here, that's the way we eat here! BANG! (Tourist voice) This food sucks! BANG! And boy, does it suck. Okay, great. If I had a gun, I woulda been number fifteen on that f***ing list. Okay, though, admittedly, last year in England, they had fourteen thousand deaths per every soccer game, okay. I'm not saying every system is flawless, I'm just saying, if you're in England, don't go to a goddamn soccer game, and you're coming home. It's weird-they don't have guns in England, but they have a very high crime rate, which tells you how polite the f***ing English are. (English voices) Give me your wallet! All right. At least no one was hurt. How do you have a crime rate and no weapons, man? Does a guy walk into a bank: (English voices) Give me all your money! I've got a soccer ball! s**t, Ian, that's a Spalding, he's serious! Hand over the pounds! I just don't understand this blood lust, 'cause, you know, I know the world seems really frightening at times, but I think we're gonna do okay.
I'll tell you a true story, a true f***ing story, man, about blood lust. I was down in Alabama, and I was playing a town called Fife, Alabama last year. And they wanted me there to host their annual Rickets telethon, or something, I don't know what the f**k it was, but anyway. It was great to be there and anyway this is absolutely true-last year in Fife, Alabama, they had all these UFO sightings. And apparently everyone in town saw these UFOs, all right? Which really pissed me off, because when I was there, about forty people saw me. But, there was no advance advertising, no publicity, that's a big market for me. Anyway, I'm curious about UFOs, so I asked this guy who was there what it was like. And the guy said, "Oh, man, it was incredible! People came from miles around to look at them! A lot of people came armed." People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings. Kind of brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, "You ain't from around here, are you, boy?" I said to the guy, "Why do you all bring shotguns to UFO sightings? It seems to be there's going to be a point in our development or evolution when you put your guns aside." You know what I mean? Don't you think that should happen, I mean just f***ing once? The guy said, "Well, we didn't want to be abducted." I'm thinking, Yeah, and leave all this. Dude, if I lived in Fife, Alabama, I'd be on my hands and knees praying for an abduction every goddamn morning, all right. And believe me, I would not be picky. Greyhound-abduct me. But I said, "What do you mean, abducted?" And he said, "Well, they abduct people and they perform scientific and medical experiments on 'em." "Well, maybe we'll be lucky and it's some kind of sterility/dentistry program they've got going. Maybe they come down here, castrate you, straighten your teeth and split. Sort of a 'clean up the universe' pact." He said, "Huh?" I was almost sure I was talking to that dude. I'll tell you, too, that's starting to depress me about UFO's, about the fact that they cross galaxies or wherever they come from to visit us and always end up in places like Fife, Alabama. Maybe these are not super-intelligent beings, man. Maybe they're like hillbilly aliens. Some intergalactic Joade family or something. "Don't you all want to land in New York, or L.A.?" "Nah, we just had a long trip, we gonna kick back and whittle some." Oh, my God, they're idiots. "We're gonna enter our mothership in the tractor pull!" My God, we're being invaded by rednecks. My biggest fear. Last thing I want to see is a flying saucer up on blocks in front of some trailer, you know? Wouldn't that be depressing? Some bumper sticker on it - "They'll get my ray gun when they pry my cold, dead, eighteen-fingered hand off of it!"
See, in England, man, they had these crop circle things. Did you hear about that, these crop circles that'd show up, you know? Which two guys have since claimed that they were responsible for, but I believe they're aliens too. They think aliens would actually land around Stonehenge and take off, but I asked people what it was like over there, and they said, "Oh, it was incredible. People came from miles around. Lot of them brought soccer balls." Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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Current Rating
9.5
(2 votes)
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Song samples are provided for information purposes only and are intended
to enable the users to sample the music (as they are in very low quality) before
they take the decision of purchasing the music. This right is expressly permitted
under "Fair Use" as nonprofit educational purposes only. The
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