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| Facts: |
| This is the other Bill Hicks "smoking" bit allegedly stolen by Denis Leary to kickstart his career. This first is on Hicks' "Dangerous" album. The references to Jim Fixx in this bit are always cited as the proof. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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| Song Lyrics: |
I smoke, if this bothers anyone, I recommend you looking around the world in which we live and... shutting your f***ing mouth. Either that or suffer a facial burn, your choice. After all this is America, land of freedom, so you have that option ahead of you. I now realize I smoke for simply one reason, and that is spite. I hate you non-smokers with all of my little black f***ing heart, you obnoxious, self-righteous, whining little fucks, my biggest fear, if I quit smoking, is that I'll become one of you. Now don't take that wrong.
How many non-smokers do we have here tonight? By round of applause, non-smokers. A few of you. Good, 'cause I have something to tell you. I do. I have something to tell you non-smokers, and this is for you and you only, because I know for a fact that you don't know this. And I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times, so that we can all learn, evolve, and get the f**k off this planet. Non-smokers, this is for you and you only, ready? Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight. See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little f***ing bubble of yours, and send you hurtling back to the truth? You're dead too. Have a good evening. And you know what doctors say, "s**t, if only you smoked, we'd have the technology to help you! It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed." I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man. Oxygen tent, iron lung-it's like going to Sharper Image! Major rationalizations.
We live in such a weird culture, man. Does anyone remember this, when Yul Brynner died and came out with that commercial after he was dead? I'm Yul Brynner and I'm dead now. What the f**k's this guy selling? I'm all ears. I'm Yul Brynner and I'm dead now, because I smoked cigarettes. Okay, pretty scary. But they coulda done that with anyone. They coulda done it with that Jim Fixx guy, too, remember that guy, that health nut who died while jogging? I don't remember seeing his commercial! I'm Jim Fixx and I'm dead now. And I don't know what the f**k happened. I jogged every day, ate nothing but tofu, swam five hundred laps every morning, and I'm dead. Yul Brynner drank, smoked and got laid every night of his life. He's dead. s**t! Yul Brynner's smokin', drinkin', girls are sitting on his cueball noggin, every night of his life! I'm running around a dewy track at dawn. And we're both f***ing dead. Yul used to pass me on his way home in the morning, big long limousine, two girls blowing him, cigarette in one hand, drink in the other. "One day that life is going to get to you, Yul." They're both dead. Yeah, but what a healthy looking corpse you were, Jim. Look at the hamstrings on that corpse! Look at the sloppy grin on Yul's corpse! Yul Brynner lived his life. Sure, he died a 78-pound stick figure, okay. There are certain drawbacks.
People'll say the stupidest things sometimes too, "Hey, man, if you quit smoking you get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City, I got news for you-I don't want my f***ing sense of smell back. (Sniffs) Is that urine? (Sniffs) I think I smell a dead guy! Honey, look, a dead guy! Covered in urine, check this out! Someone just peed on this guy, that's fresh. Just think, if I'd been smoking I never would have found him! A urine-covered dead fella, what're the odds? Thank God I quit smoking, now I can enjoy the wonders of New York, honey, look! I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now because I smoked cigarettes. Cigarettes didn't kill me, a bunch of non-smokers kicked the s**t out of me one day. I tried to run, they had more energy than I. I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing. Many of them smelled me. (Sniffing sounds) "There he is, get him!" (Pants) "Oh, he's hardly f***ing moving, this is pathetic!" (Pants) "Look, he's still trying to get away, he's like a roach, step on him!" (Pants) "Squash him!" "Let's kill him and pee on him. Yeah!" (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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