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| Facts: |
| This version is from the American cable TV special Atkinson made some years ago. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
| A favorite routine in Atkinson's stage shows. Another bit that the malevolent politics of so-called modern times no longer permits. An uncut version seems to be verboten on YouTube as well unless I missed it. Can't get away with this stuff any more..nope. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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| Song Lyrics: |
And on the third day, there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee. And it came to pass that all the wine was drunk. And the mother of the bride came to Jesus and said unto the Lord, "They have no more wine." And Jesus said unto the servants: "Fill six water pots with water." And they did so. And when the steward of the feast did taste from the water of the pots, it had become wine. And they knew not...whence...it had come.
But the servants did know, and they applauded loudly in the kitchen. And they said unto the Lord: "How the hell did you do that?" And inquired of him: "Do you do children's parties" And the Lord said.."No." But the servants did press him, saying; "Go on, give us another one!"
And so he brought forth a carrot and said: "Behold this, for it is a carrot." And all about him knew that it was so. For it was orange, with a green top. And he did place a large red cloth over the carrot and then removed it, and lo, he held in his hand a white rabbit. And all were amazed and said, "This guy is really good! He should turn professional."
And they brought him on a stretcher a man who was sick of the palsy. And they cried unto him: "Maestro, this man is sick of the palsy." And the Lord said: "If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher, I'd be pretty sick of the palsy, too!" And they were filled with joy. And cried out: "Lord, thy one-liners are as good as thy tricks! Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer."
And there came unto him a woman called Mary, who had seen the Lord and believed and Jesus said unto her: "Put on a tutu and lie down in this box." And then took he forth a saw, and cleft her in twain. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But Jesus said: "Oh ye of little faith!" And he threw open the box and lo, Mary was whole! And the crowd went absolutely bananas. And Jesus and Mary took a big bow. And he said unto her: "From now on you shall be known as Trixie, for that is a good name for an assistant."
And the people said unto him: "We've never seen anything like this. This is great. You must be the son of God! You shouldn't be wasting your time in a one camel town like Cana. You should be playing in the big arenas in Jerusalem!" And Jesus did harken to their words. And he did go on to Jerusalem and he did his full act before the scribes and the Pharisees and the Romans.
But alas, it did not please them in their hearts. In fact, they absolutely crucified him.
Here ends the lesson. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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fiogf49gjkf0d In the UK, Atkinson released this on an audio cassette as part of a collection called "Not Just a Pretty Face", and I remember the last of bit of it going as follows:
And the people said unto him: "We've never seen anything like this. This is great. You must be the son of God!”. And the Lord said,” No. I am he who comes before.” And the people were sore amazed and said unto Him, “Then tell us, Lord, tell how we should know the true Son of God”. And Jesus replied, “By his name shall ye know him. And he shall have a slightly religious name. And Daniel shall he be called. And Paul shall be his name.” “Daniel Paul!” the people shouted. And Jesus said, “Yes. Something like that.”
Here endeth the lesson.
In case you haven't heard of him, Paul Daniels was a famous magician in the UK in the eighties and early nineties, probably equivalent to David Copperfield in fame terms. I'm pretty sure I've heard an American version of this with his name substituted at the end too.
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fiogf49gjkf0d It's the bit after 'you must be the son of God' that goes: "You shouldn't be wasting your time in a one camel town like Cana. You should be playing in the big arenas in Jerusalem!" And Jesus did harken to their words. And he did go on to Jerusalem, and he did his full act before the scribes, the Pharisees and the Romans.
But alas, it did not please them in their hearts. In fact, they absolutely crucified him."
That's the comparatively recent cable special version. In the '80s, the end of this bit was about Spielberg being the Messiah- "..and he made extraterrestrials come forth..."
No matter how it ends, it was likely inspired by this- www.madmusic.com/song_details.aspx?SongID=27692
I first saw this bit in an HBO special called "Live From London"- a rare live cable show they ran at 2 am sometime in 1988 with Ben Elton and Howie Mandel hosting and Spitting Image punctuating the bits in between with heavy political humor. Ben Elton was very good. His "Captain Paranoia" bit is classic. I still have the tape.
MarlinsGirl:
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what exactly was censored.
Terri M.
Stavro Arrgolus:
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The version from the US cable special. Varies ever so slightly from the original. He calls her 'Sharon' instead of 'Trixie' and the ending was censored for YouTube. There's a good version floating around somewhere that appears as Satan intended...
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fiogf49gjkf0d what exactly was censored.
Terri M.
Stavro Arrgolus:
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The version from the US cable special. Varies ever so slightly from the original. He calls her 'Sharon' instead of 'Trixie' and the ending was censored for YouTube. There's a good version floating around somewhere that appears as Satan intended...
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fiogf49gjkf0d The video added is the version from the US cable special. Varies ever so slightly from the original. He calls her 'Sharon' instead of 'Trixie' and the ending was censored for YouTube. There's a good version floating around somewhere that appears as Satan intended...
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Song samples are provided for information purposes only and are intended
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