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Rank this week: 5 (↓3)
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Duration:
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28:10
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Release Date:
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1969 (Stavro Arrgolus)
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Lyrics By:
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Firesign Theatre (Stavro Arrgolus)
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Music By:
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Firesign Theatre (Stavro Arrgolus)
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Produced By:
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Cyrus Faryar (Stavro Arrgolus)
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Released By:
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Columbia CS-9884 (Stavro Arrgolus)
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Published By:
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Espeseth Music Music Music (Stavro Arrgolus)
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Licensing:
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ASCAP (Stavro Arrgolus)
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Keywords:
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BRADSHAW, CATHERWOOD, CELLOPHANE, CUES, FLASHBACK, NANCY, NICK, NOIR, PICKLE, RADIO, ROCKY, WWII
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| Facts: |
| "From the Archives of the Original Firesign Theatre Radio Hour. As First Broadcast December 6, 1941. Rebroadcast Courtesy of Loostners Bros. Soap Co." Or so says the album cover. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
| Web pages about this song: |
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| Song Lyrics: |
(fog horn)
ANNOUNCER
Los Angeles... He walks again by night...
NICK
(whistles)
ANNOUNCER
Out of the fog, into the smog...
NICK
(cough, cough)
ANNOUNCER
Relentlessly... ruthlessly...
NICK
I wonder where Ruth is?
ANNOUNCER
…doggedly… (bark bark)
NICK
Eh, get away from me…
ANNOUNCER
... towards his weekly meeting with... the unknown. At 4th and Drucker he turns left, at Drucker and 4th he turns right, he crosses MacArthur Park and walks into a great sandstone building. (smack)
NICK
Oh, my nose!
ANNOUNCER
Groping for the door he steps inside... (door opens/closes) (phone rings until pick up) (13 steps) climbs the 13 steps to his office, he walks in (walking/door opens)... he's ready for mystery, (door closes/walking) he's ready for excitement... he's ready for anything, he's...
NICK
(ends whistling) (pick up phone/one more ring) Nick Danger, Third Eye...
VOICE
(phone voice) I, uh, wanna order a pizza to go and no anchovies...
NICK
No anchovies? You've got the wrong man, I spell my name...Danger. (phone hangup)
VOICE
(phone voice) What?
ANNOUNCER
(organ) The makers of Fantastic Cigarettes, long in the leaf and short in the can, bring you another true story from the tattered casebook of Nick Danger, Third Eye. Let's join him now in the adventure we call... Cut ‘em Off at the Past! (organ fwah)
NICK
Let's get down to business. (walk) Uncross those beautiful stems of yours, baby, here's the case I call number 666. It all began innocently enough on Tuesday. I was sitting in my office on that drizzly afternoon listening to the monotonous staccato of rain on my desktop and reading my name on the glass of my office door. "Regnad Kcin". My secretary lay snoring on the floor (snores) her long, beautiful gams pinioned under the couch. I didn't hear him enter, (creaky door/walking) but my nostrils flared at the smell of his perfume... Pyramid Patchouli. There was only one joker in L.A. sensitive enough to wear that scent and I had to find out who he was.
ROCKY
Good afternoon, Mr.... Danger. I'm Rocky Rococo.
NICK
Thanks half-pint. You just saved me a lot of investigative work.
ROCKY
Maybe yes, maybe no... Do you know what (rustle of bag) this is?
NICK
(thinking) I had to think for a minute. What cool game was he playing?
(speaking) Uh, that's a brown paper bag.
ROCKY
That's correct, now look inside, Mr. Danger. (paper rustle) What do you see?
NICK
That's easy. That's a pickle.
ROCKY
Very good. Now, I think you're ready for… this! (plink)
NICK
Why, that's nothing but a two bit ring from a Cracker Back Jox.
ROCKY
I'll sell it to you for five thousand dollars.
NICK
Huh!? What kind of chump do you take me for?
ROCKY
First class!
NICK
That tarnished piece of tin is worthless!
ROCKY
Worthless?! Ha! Ha! Ha! (cough cough) Not to Melanie Haber!
NICK
Melanie Haber?
ROCKY
You may remember her as... Audrey Farber?
NICK
Audrey Farber?
ROCKY
Susan Underhill?
NICK
Susan Underhill?
ROCKY
How about... Betty Jo Bialowski! (organ fwah)
NICK
(thinking) Betty Jo Bialowski! I hadn't heard that name since college. Everyone knew her as Nancy. Then it all came rushing back to me like the hot kiss at the end of a wet fist. It was Pig Night at the Oh Mony Padme Sigma House. We had escaped from the crowd and stood trembling under the dwarf maples.
YOUNG NANCY
Oh, Nicky. I don't know what to say. This is the most beautiful ring I've ever seen.
YOUNG NICK
Yeah, Nancy. It's really neat. It cost me five thousand dollars.
YOUNG NANCY
Oh Nicky, I, well, how can I ever repay you?
YOUNG NICK
Well, gee whiz, Nancy... How about five hundred down and a 36 month contract?
YOUNG NANCY
What?
YOUNG NICK
Or… you could... marry me. (organ fwah)
YOUNG NANCY
That's impossible, Nick. I can't marry you. I can't even tell you why. Maybe, someday.
YOUNG NICK
All right, Nancy, I understand. Sign here. (paper unfolding)
YOUNG NANCY
Oh, Nick. I'll never forgive you.
YOUNG NICK
I'll never forget you neither, Nancy. (organ fwah)
NICK
And that's why I called you today, Nancy... I mean, Mrs. Haber. Something reminded me of that time so long ago under the dwarf maples.
NANCY
(phone voice) I don't know what prompted you to get in touch with me, but you called just in the nick of time.
NICK
You haven't lost your delicate sense of humor, have you, Nancy?
NANCY
(phone voice) What? Nick, I can't talk to you now. You have to get out here right away. My husband he... It's the same old place in Santa Barbara, Nicky. Oh, hurry, Nicky, I need you, I nee... (click/dial tone)
NICK
Nancy! I slipped the ring into my nose and the receiver into my pocket and (quick walking) headed for the door quickly, but I'd forgotten the little man with the evil grin.
ROCKY
Just a second, Danger! What about my pickle?
NICK
You're lucky you still have your brown paper bag, Small Change! (struggle)
ROCKY
Danger! (running away) You haven't seen the last of me!
NICK
No, but the first of you turns my stomach!
ROCKY
(away) You'll be hearing from me again, Danger!
NICK
I headed down the hall in the opposite direction, toward the fire escape. I hadn't a moment to lose...
LT. BRADSHAW
Hey, Danger! Where's the fire?
NICK
In your eyes, Lieutenant Bradshaw.
LT. BRADSHAW
Don't get wise with me, Peeper.
You're lucky we didn't burn you on the Anselmo pederasty case.
NICK
Look, you caught him didn't ya?
LT. BRADSHAW
Yeah, but the punk got away, no thanks to you.
NICK
Heh, heh. Well, what brings your flat feet sniffing around here now, Copper?
LT. BRADSHAW
Just a friendly word of advice, Danger.
NICK
Yeah, what?
LT. BRADSHAW
Don't go stickin' your big nose into police business.
NICK
Ssssure, Lieutenant. Is that all?
LT. BRADSHAW
No! Don't talk with your mouth full!
NICK
Okay, Bradshaw...
LT. BRADSHAW
And don't fidget while I talk to you.
NICK
Sure, Lieutenant.
LT. BRADSHAW
(walking away) And stop tracking mud across my nice clean kitchen floor...
NICK
Okay…!
SFX
(storm sounds)
NICK
When I hit the streets the rain had already turned L.A. into a mud river. It was a short swim down Alvarado to my convertible, (car sounds) I had to get to Santa Barbara in a big hurry.
As I whipped on to Mulholland Drive, the lights were just twinkling on across the San Fernandino Valley. I could barely make them out through the driving rain, then a hard right down Big Tujunga Canyon. My tires squealed as I hit Sepulveda. A right. A left. A left. Another right, a left to the body, a right and into a gas station. (brakes) Hey, Pop!
POP
All right. All right. Hold your horses. I’m comin'. Uh, yeah?
NICK
Where am I?
POP
You can't get there from here.
NICK
But I'm looking for the same old place.
POP
Oh, you must mean the old Same Place, Sonny. It's right out back. Here's the key. (key drop)
NICK
Four hours later I parked my car in the carriage house and (cornstarch footsteps) walked up a grey gravel driveway between a line of dwarf maples towards the pillared entrance of the Same Mansion. It had been snowing in Santa Barbara ever since the top of the page and I had to shake the cornstarch off my mukluks as I lifted the heavy obsidian doorknocker. Hey in there... open up. Your doorknocker fell off.
CATHERWOOD
(door open) What's all this brouhaha?
NICK
Brouhaha? Ha ha ha...
CATHERWOOD
Ha ha ha ha ha....(door close)
NICK
Wait...Wait a minute. Don't you want this doorknocker?
CATHERWOOD
(away) I already have one.
NICK
But this is yours....
CATHERWOOD
You see? I told you. We use to have another one but he vanished mysteriously. (door open) All right, come in out of the cornstarch and dry your mukluks by the fire. (fire/cellophane/door close) Let me introduce myself. I am Nick Danger.
NICK
No, let me introduce myself. I am Nick Danger.
CATHERWOOD
If you're so smart, why don't you pick up your cues faster?
NICK
Are those my cues?
CATHERWOOD
Yes, and they must be dry by now. Why don't you pull them up out of the cellophane before they scorch. (stop cellophane) Heh. All right, sir, may I take your hat and goat? (baa)
NICK
Yes.
CATHERWOOD
Now, I assume you've come to see my mistress Mr. Danger.
NICK
I don't care about your private life or what his name is. I’ve come to see Nancy. Uh, uh.... Mrs. Haber.
CATHERWOOD
Mrs. Haber?
NICK
Audrey Farber?
CATHERWOOD
Audrey Farber?
NICK
How about Betty Jo Bialowski? (organ fwah)
CATHERWOOD
Oh. You mean Nancy! Well, she's in the aviary studying trees. I shall return with her straight away. You may wait here in the sitting room or you can sit here in the waiting room.
NICK
(thinking) There was something fishy about the butler. I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale. I felt a thin shiver run up my spine as I sat down on the cold marble floor. (woh-oooh) What was it about this place? The atmosphere was as phony as the Tudor balustrade that leered at me from the top of the staircase and there she stood, radiant. All those curves showing through that flimsy burnoose.
NANCY
(away) Nick?
NICK
(running) It was Nancy running down the stairs. All the familiar sounds and smells of Pig Night came rushing back like a good snort of scotch. Then it struck me. (smack) Ooof! Twenty years later and she still knocked me out. Uh... (body falls) (organ jams)
NICK
(slapping sounds) Oh. Whe...? Where am I?
NANCY
Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick... Nick, wake up. Are you all right?
NICK
Yes...
NANCY
Then stop slapping me! Oh, oh...
NICK
Na...Na...Nancy, what's the birds eye low-down on this caper? Whatever that means...
NANCY
(muffled) Nick, we can't talk here.
NICK
(muffled) We can, um...
NANCY
(muffled) We can't talk here!
NICK
(muffled) What do you mean we can't talk here?!
NANCY
(muffled) We can't...!
NICK
(muffled) Oh. You're right. We can't. What should we do?
NANCY
(muffled) Follow me. This way.
NICK
Ah...hah...
NANCY
(echo) This is much better. We’re at the chapel now. It’s soundproofed, so no one can hear us.
NICK
(echo) What did you say?
NANCY
(echo) I said, no one can… sigh...
NICK
(echo) What?
NANCY
(echo) Never mind! Follow me!
NICK
(echo) What?
NANCY
(echo) Here. Take my hand. This way... (stop echo/footsteps) Ah, this is much better.
NICK
Yes. Pretty fancy lay out you've got here, Nancy. What's this, your boudoir?
NANCY
Oh, no. These are the kennels.
NICK
Putting on the dog, eh? Heh, heh, heh. Say, where are all the doggies?
NANCY
They've mysteriously disappeared...
NICK
Oh, yeah?
NANCY
Yes. I just told you. Along with the servants. They were very attached to one another.
NICK
Where?
NANCY
At the wrist and ankles.
NICK
Wait a minute... you said all the servants had disappeared...
NANCY
Did I?
NICK
What about your butler?
NANCY
You mean… Catherwood?
CATHERWOOD
Yes, madam?
NANCY
Oh! Catherwood, you startled me!
NICK
Oh! Hah hah hah...
CATHERWOOD
I'm sorry, madam.
NANCY
What are you doing there on all fours?
CATHERWOOD
I'm looking for my script. Why don't you just go on without me.
NICK
Listen, Nancy, I smell a rat...
CATHERWOOD
So do I. I think he's got my script.
NANCY
Yes, Catherwood. You look for it, all right?
CATHERWOOD
All right, madam.
NICK Pee-eww.
CATHERWOOD
Here, mousy, mousy…
NANCY
Nick, quickly, through this secret panel.
NICK
All right.
NANCY
Over here. This way. (sliding/struggle)
NICK/NANCY
This is the portrait gallery...Heh, heh. This is the portrait...
NANCY
There's an echo in here. (organ fwah) This is the portrait gallery, Nick. It's the safest room in the mansion.
NICK
Mmm? Mmm.
NANCY
No one can find us here.
NICK
All right, Nancy.
NICK/NANCY
Get your hands off me!
NICK
What's the scoop?
NANCY
Chocolate, butterscotch, or Rocky Rococo...(gasp)... Road! (organ fwah)
NICK
(thinking) That reminded me... how had she gotten herself involved with that slimy weasel Rococo and how do I make my voice do this?
NANCY
Oh, Nicky, Nicky, Nick, Nick… It all began twenty years ago with the mysterious disappearance of my husband.
NICK
You mean you were already married when I sold you that ring? (thinking) No wonder she hadn't been able to meet the payments!
NANCY
What?
NICK
So, that was your secret. Oh, what a sap I've been.
NANCY
Oh, yes, but that night, the strangest thing happened...
NICK
That usually goes along with being just married. Heh, heh, heh…
NANCY
My husband, Johnny, he... oh Nick I want to tell you the horrible truth, the whole truth...all of it...the man behind everything.
CATHERWOOD
Tea, madam? (minor organ fwah)
NICK/NANCY
Oh!
NICK
Let me handle this, Nancy. Far out, Catherwood. Just roll a couple of bombers and leave them on the side table.
CATHERWOOD
Yes, madam. (crash)
NANCY
(cries continuously)
CATHERWOOD
I say, pardon me, madam. I seem to have crashed it. It's been such a long exposition, you know, I'm so tired.
NICK
(sobbing) Catherwood. Catherwood, can't you see you're upsetting Nancy? (Nancy blowing nose) Leave us alone.
CATHERWOOD
Well, how much would you like, sir? Five hundred? A thousand? I could...
NICK
Am-scray uster-bay.
CATHERWOOD
Oh, of course, sir. Koo-koo-kachoo…
NICK
Gesundheit.
CATHERWOOD
Yes. (singing Beatles song:) I'm soooo tired.. (away) I haven't slept a wink. (door close)
NICK
All right, Nancy. Go on with your story. Start with your dreadful secret.
NANCY
Oh, Nick. I can't, I can't. I'm so confused.
NICK
Why don't you just hold your thumb next to your lines, see like this. Look, (page turn) this way I don't get confused and I never lose my place.
NANCY
I...I feel faint...the whole world is spinning.
NICK
Why that's lucky for us, Nancy, if it were flat, all the Chinese would fall off.
NANCY
Oh-ah-oh-ah-oh....(organ slide down) (body falls)
NICK
Why she's no fun. She fell right over. Wait. Didn't I say that on the other side of the record? Poor Nancy, she's fainted. I'll just wrap her skirt around her head like this to keep her warm. (Nancy sighs throughout) Now I'll press her body close to mine to keep me warm...(thinking) She looked so helpless there, spread-eagled on the floor. I beat the eagle off and gave her a quick mouth-to-mouth resuscitation job. And then it struck me. (Nancy wakes up/slap) What a sap she had...uh...(body falls)
CATHERWOOD
(door open) Ah, good girl, Nancy. That ought to hold him for a while. Ha-ha-ha....
NANCY
Poor Nicky... He's bleeding. I'll tear this strip off my petticoat...(rip)
CATHERWOOD
Heh, heh... If you want to...
NANCY
Ah, there. You tie him up with this. I'll go through his pockets.
CATHERWOOD
All right.
NICK
Oh, uh…
CATHERWOOD
Careful....careful... don't wake him up. Sh-shh....
NANCY
Oh, that contract must be on him somewhere...
NICK
Audrey...
ROCKY
(door opens) You fuels!
CATHERWOOD
What?
ROCKY
(door closes/little footsteps) Haven't you found the contract yet? Your time is almost up!
CATHERWOOD
Rococo! You slimy blackmailer. How did you get in here? You don't have a key!
ROCKY
No, only half a key.
CATHERWOOD
What?
ROCKY
I had to split it with the sound effects man.
SOUND GUY
(away) Thanks, Rocky!
ROCKY
Where is the contract, you absent-minded old fraud?!
NANCY
Wait a minute, wait a minute! I found it. It’s taped to his leg.
NICK
(rip) Aarrgghhh!!!!
ROCKY
Give me that, (paper rustling) Ha hah! I've got it at last.
CATHERWOOD
All right. All right. Now, maybe you'll leave us in peace, Rococo! Give me the negative.
ROCKY
Of course, (flap) here it is...
CATHERWOOD
Oh, at last. Now we're out of your evil clutches.
NANCY
Dan! Dan! Wait a minute. Look at this negative. It isn't us. It's an interesting approach but it isn't us.
CATHERWOOD
She's right! What are you trying to pull on me, Rococo?!
ROCKY
Oh, my goodness! I...I must have sent the wrong negative to the police…! I mean, I must have left yours in the car. I'll, uh, I’ll go get it.
CATHERWOOD
Just a second, Rococo. You're not going nowhere until you've explained what you've done with that filthy piece of blackmail.
ROCKY
Are you threatening me?! Why you stupid toad! I ought to beat your brain out!
NANCY
No! Put down that pickle!
SOUND GUY
Hey, that's mine!
CATHERWOOD
You'll never get away with this, Rococo.
ROCKY
Oh, yeah? Didn't you ever see Casablanca? Half a Key Largo? (Nick starts his next line) The Beast with Five Fingers, you fool? You stupid old fool! I need my money! I can get out of any mess!
NICK
(thinking) The thick veil of pain lifted enough for me to eyeball the situation. Rococo! That sleazy weasel! How did he get in here? And what was he doing with that pickle in one hand, and my contract in the other? I had no choice! Nancy and the old butler were frozen with terror. I struggled quietly to my feet, and flung myself headfirst at Rococo's stomach! (grunt/struggle)
NANCY
Thank you! You.. .you've saved our life.
NICK
This ain't no time for ticker-tape parades, baby. Get me out of these ropes and into a good belt of scotch.
CATHERWOOD
Uh, let me, uh, hold that contract for you, Mr. Danger...
NICK
(paper yank) I'll keep that contract, Catherwood! But you can take this pickle off of my hands.
NANCY
Oh no, I think you better hold onto that, Nick.
NICK
Good thinking, Sweetheart. Lieutenant Bradshaw will need all of the evidence he can get.
CATHERWOOD
Uh, yes, heh heh, and you should stick around, too, Danger. You can, uh, help him put all the pieces together, you know? Heh heh heh heh...
NICK
Right!
NANCY
No! A left! (punch)
NICK
Uh! (organ fwah) (thinking) I felt like I was being kicked in the head by the whole chorus line at Minski's! So Nancy was in on this caper! I felt myself going under. The biggest long-shot Louie at Hialeah wouldn't put a fin on my fate now. This time, something told me I was....out for lunch! I even began to hear things...(melodramatic panting/sobbing under the following lines)
NANCY
(echo) I'll never forgive you, Nick...
LT. BRADSHAW
(echo) Keep your nose out of police business, Danger!
CATHERWOOD
(echo) May I take your cat and coat, sir? (meow)
ROCKY
(echo) What about my pickle?!
ANNOUNCER
(echo) We'll be back to Nick Danger after this message...
NICK
(echo) Aughhhhhhhh!!! (organ fwah) (end sequence)
LT BRADSHAW
All right, hold it right where you are! I'm Lieutenant Bradshaw with a piece of advice for you. Now, here in the studio it's all knuckles and know how. But when that red light goes off, I'm just plain Harry Aames: citizen, weekend father. (background – “See ya tomorrow.” “Goodnight, Harry” “Bye Harry”) Now take a tip from a cop who does; radio work can be just as dirty and exciting as hunting down public enemy Number One. So when I get home, my old lady knows what I need, and how! A warm, heaping bowl full of Loosener's Castor Oil Flakes—with real glycerin vibrafoam! It doesn't just wash your mouth out—it cleans the whole system, right on down the line! So, come on you little rookies! Tell your mom to get on it, and do it everyday! Just remember what the guys down at the precinct-house sing...
MEN
(singing) Oooooohhhh... It ain't no use if you ain't got the boost, the boost you get from Looseners! Loooooooooooooo-snerrrrrrrz!
ANNOUNCER
...the all weather breakfast! (organ) And now we return you to Act Three of Nick Danger, Third Eye! (organ fwah)
NICK
(thinking) When the crazy escalator ride ended, I fought my way back to the land of the living. I came to slumped over in the front seat of my own car, lying in a pool of cheap rotgut. I had a head full of ideas that were driving me insane, and a mouthful of cotton candy...
LT BRADSHAW
Ya want some more cotton candy, Danger? It might sober you up!
NICK
Oh, my head...Bradshaw, baby! I never thought I'd be happy to see your ugly mug.....
LT BRADSHAW
Save your wisecracks for the warden, Danger. I gotcha this time and I gotcha good! (minor organ fwah)
NICK
What are you talking about?
LT BRADSHAW
Get outta that car...if you can stand up! And keep your hands high! I gotcha covered!
NICK
Hey, what's this all about, Bradshaw? You know I never carry a rod...
LT BRADSHAW
Yeah, but it's murder what some people can do with a car, and I got witnesses to prove it!
NANCY
There's the man! Keep me away from him! He did it! (sob)
LT BRADSHAW
Take it easy, lady...
NICK
I don't know why you're doing this, Nancy, but it doesn't change my feelings about you...
NANCY
(sobbing) Oh, Nick, you're such a tool! He did it! (sob)
LT BRADSHAW
All right, all right! Take it easy, little lady. All right, now, let's get these facts straight! Take this down, Henderson. Okay, Professor, how did it happen?
CATHERWOOD
Well, Sergeant...
LT BRADSHAW
Lieutenant.
CATHERWOOD
Yes. Mrs. Farber and I were sitting right here in the living room, engaged in a friendly round of spin the pickle... weren't we, dear? Yes, with our good friend, Mr. Rococo.
NANCY
He did it! (sobs underneath next speech)
CATHERWOOD
Yes... and then suddenly, the door flew open, and this drunken madman, right here, drove in honking wildly and headed straight for us!
NICK
He’s lying, Bradshaw!
LT BRADSHAW
Can it! Can it, Danger!
CATHERWOOD
Yes, and at the last possible moment, he stopped on a dime!
LT BRADSHAW
I see…
CATHERWOOD
Unfortunately, the dime was in Mr. Rococo's pocket.
NICK
I'm going break your neck, Catherwood! (struggle) Lemme at him!!
LT BRADSHAW
All right, all right!! Hold it, Danger! I've heard enough! We'll get the rest of the story downtown at the station house from you. I've been waitin' for this for years...
NICK
Wise up, Bradshaw.
LT BRADSHAW
Week in and week out, Danger…
NICK
I didn't do it...
LT BRADSHAW
…playin' second fiddle while you got all the girls! I'm tired of being Mr. Nice Guy. See, there's gonna be some changes made... Next week this show is gonna be called...
ANNOUNCER
Sergeant Bradshaw...
LT BRADSHAW
Lieutenant!
ANNOUNCER
...District Attorney!
LT BRADSHAW
I'm gonna have my own theme music and its all gonna take place in Washington D.C. No plots, just girls and... and guys, doing nice, simple things up against Nazis and Fifth Columnists and... and no Jewish writers either... (under Nick’s next line) I’ll get my name in the paper, my picture taken along with Colonel Lindbergh and Charles Foster Kane…
NICK
(thinking) I saw my chance, and I took it! Bradshaw would never listen to my story now. It had more holes in it than Albert Hall. My only way out was... like this! (fighting/crashes) All right, all right! Hold it, everybody! Catherwood, stop it! I've got Bradshaw's rod pressed against Nancy's temple. Now you spill the beans or I'll blow her brain out!
CATHERWOOD
I...I...I think you're bluffing, Flatfoot! (gun shot/ gasp/ body falls) No, you weren't bluffing.
NICK
All right! Talk!
CATHERWOOD
It all began twenty years ago. I was a freshman in college then, although you wouldn't hardly believe it to look at me now. I had just completed work on my science project, and I invited Nancy down to reveal the secret to her... (lab sounds/ footsteps) (young Catherwood) Well, this is it, Nancy. How do you like it?
NANCY
So, this is where you've been every night since we got married...
YOUNG CATHERWOOD
Sure is!
NANCY
Oh, Nicky, I thought you were out in the....
YOUNG CATHERWOOD
That's Danny. But don't say it, Nancy, I... I know it's been hard, but I wanted to give you the swellest honeymoon a girl ever had. We're going to Greece!
NANCY
And swim the English Channel?
YOUNG CATHERWOOD
No, no. To Ancient Greece, where burning Sappho loved and sang and stroked the wine-dark sea, in the temple by the moonlight, wa da doo dah...
NANCY
What?
YOUNG CATHERWOOD
Don't you see, Nancy? I've built the perfect time machine!
NANCY
Oh, it sounds dangerous!
YOUNG CATHERWOOD
Yes, that's why I'm going to try it out first. Now, when I get into this grandfather clock, you hit me over the head with this bottle of Champagne, right here, set the dial for a thousand, and put in three dimes. I'll be gone for a thousand years.
NANCY
A thousand! That's longer than anyone's ever been gone before!
YOUNG CATHERWOOD
But to you it will seem only like a minute! Very well, my love. Now, forward into the paaaaaaast! (breaking glass/Tardis)
NANCY
Gee, I hope he gets back before all this dry ice melts! (door open/close) Who...who's there?
ROCKY
Mrs. Haber?
NANCY
Who’s that?
ROCKY
I’m Rocky Rococo. You may have seen me loitering around the drugstore, drinking chocolate malted Falcons and giving away free high school...
NANCY
Well, what are you doing here? What do you want?
ROCKY
(walking) I'm here for a friend, Mrs. Haber. If you sign a contract you're supposed to keep up the payments...
NANCY
Oh, you must be a friend of Nick's...
ROCKY
Yes…
NANCY
Well, he couldn't want his money already. He, he only gave me the ring last night. I...I'm wearing it, see?
ROCKY
Yes, that's a very pretty hand you have there...(struggle) Ha ha ha ha!!
NANCY
Oh! Let go of my hand! (Tardis)
CATHERWOOD
Oh, Nancy! Nancy! It's a success! I'm back! It's a success! I have proof I've been to ancient Greece! Look at this grape! Oh, it's...
NANCY
Who are you, old man? And what have you done with my husband?!
CATHERWOOD
What do you mean, Nancy? I am your husband!
NANCY
(organ fwah) Oh, no!
CATHERWOOD
Well, who's that ugly dwarf with his hand in your mouth, Nancy?
ROCKY
I'm Rocky Rococo, at your cervix.
NICK
All right, all right! Catherwood, I've heard just enough!
NANCY/ROCKY/CATHERWOOD
Wha? Huh? Hey! (various interjections)
CATHERWOOD
Listen, I’m telling this story, young man. What are you doing in my flashback?
NICK
Flashback? What are you ta...flashba... all right, all of you! You stay right where you are! Put your thumbs on your place in your script while I figure this out! (mumbles/paper wrinkles)(thinking) So that was her horrible secret! Poor Nancy! Married to a man a thousand years old! Now I understood why the servants had disappeared! It was Catherwood who killed Rococo to protect his wife, my Betty Jo!
NANCY
Who is he talking to and how does he make his voice do that?
NICK
All right, Bradshaw, there's your confession! I hope you got it all down! Brad...Bradshaw? Bradshaw! Oh, that's right.. .He's not in this flashback. Oh, how do I, uh... (pages turn) I'll skip ahead a bit.. .No, I can't skip ahead.. .ah, um... All right, everybody! Into the time machine!
(struggle/arguing)
CATHERWOOD
No! No! No! No! No! You don't understand how radio works. Now, it's my flashback, all I have to do to return us to the present is fade my voice out like this (away) and cue the organist! (organ plays)( voice fades back in, organ) And you see? Here we are! (doubled) Oh my goodness.
LT BRADSHAW
What's happening? Am I seeing double? There's two of everybody except me!
BOTH NICKS
(thinks) Pandemonium was breaking out all around me! (speaking) Wait a minute! Who are you?! I was here first! You impostor! Take that! (double punch) Oof!
NANCY 1
Oh, that’s terrible!
NANCY 2
You keep away from him, you young hussy!
NANCY 1
Who are you calling a hussy, you old bag?
NANCY 2
How dare you talk to me like that?
NANCY 1
I can talk to me anyway I like!
NANCY 2
What nerve! I'm not you! You're me twenty years ago!
NANCY 1
What! You have a lot of nerve saying I'm going to look like that in twenty years!
NANCY 2
Oh, yeah?
BOTH NANCYS
There ain't room enough in this dress for both of us!
NANCY1
Have at you!
NANCY2
Gesundheit! (clothes rip/mayhem/crashes)
CATHERWOOD
(older) Well, this is a bit of fun. Isn’t it, Catherwood?
CATHERWOOD
(old) Yes, it certainly is dad. Glad to have someone my own age to talk to after all these years.
CATHERWOOD
(older) Why don't we sing something?
CATHERWOOD
Well, I’ve forgotten the key.
CATHERWOOD
That’s all right, I’ve got a lid out in the car.
BOTH CATHERWOODS
(singing w/ piano accompany)
ROCKY
Stop it! Stop it! Stop singing, you fools! Can't you see someone has been crushed here under this car?! Oh, oh my god, it's me! I don't look at all well! I'm dead! I've been killed! Oh!!! This hasn't happened to me since "M"!
BOTH NICKS
(thinking) I did a quick 20/20 on the whole scene. I thought that I was the only one going insane but now we were all in this together. I knew what I had to do. I didn't like it but that didn't stop me before, (speaking) All right, everybody, take off your -
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this scheduled transmission to bring you an announcement of national importance from the White House in Washington D.C. Ladies and gentlemen? Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.
PRESIDENT
My fellow Americans - this morning at 6:25 AM Pacific Standard Time, combined elements of the Imperial Japanese Navy and Air forces ruthlessly attacked our naval base at Pearl Harbor, in the Hawaiian Islands. I have conferred this morning with the congress and the chiefs of staff in emergency session, we have reached our rendezvous with destiny. It is our unanimous and irrevocable decision that the United States of America ...unconditionally surrender. And now my wife and I would like to return with you for the thrilling conclusion of Private Nick Danger, Third Eye.
NICK
-ks like I've solved another one for you.
BRADSHAW
Danger, I'll never know how you do it. I was sure I had the goods on you this time.
NICK
Well, Bradshaw, it's like in the Army, you know the great Prince issues commands, founds states, vests families with fiefs, inferior people should not be employed.
BRADSHAW
Nick, I can't knock success, but you still put me through too many changes.
ANNOUNCER
(organ) The makers of Loosener's Castor Oil Flakes and Fantastic Cigarettes. Loosner's for the smile of beauty (sing – “Loooosners”) Fantastics for the smile of success (cough) brought you the transcribed adventures of Nick Danger, Third Eye. Tune in again next week - same time, same station - when Nick Danger meets The Arab!
(organ out)
©1969 Espeseth Music Music Music ASCAP (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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Current Rating
10.0
(2 votes)
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| Played on 33 shows: |
 | 12-31-17, #KMCC-T24 | | 01-07-17, #KMCC-T12-09 |
| 09-20-17, #ISGD-17-40 | | 12-17-16, #KMCC-T12-08 |
| 05-06-17, #KMCC-T12-25 | | 12-10-16, #KMCC-11-07 |
| 04-29-17, #KMCC-11-17 | | 11-26-16, #KMCC-11-06 |
| 04-22-17, #KMCC-T12-23 | | 11-19-16, #KMCC-T12-05 |
| 04-15-17, #KMCC-11-16 | | 11-12-16, #KMCC-T12-04 |
| 04-08-17, #KMCC-T12-21 | | 11-05-16, #KMCC-T12-03 |
| 04-01-17, #KMCC-11-15 | | 10-28-16, #KMCC-T12-02 |
| 03-25-17, #KMCC-T12-19 | | 10-22-16, #KMCC-T12-01 |
| 03-11-17, #KMCC-T12-17 | | 07-15-16, #MMS-197 |
| 03-04-17, #KMCC-11-13 |  | 06-27-15, #15-26 |
| 02-25-17, #KMCC-T12-15 | | 02-19-11, #MMS-142 |
| 02-18-17, #KMCC-11-12 | | 06-20-10, #MMCZ-10-25 |
| 02-10-17, #KMCC-T12-13 | | 05-02-93, #93-18 |
| 02-03-17, #KMCC-11-11 | | 01-29-89, #89-05 |
| 01-28-17, #KMCC-T12-11 | | 11-13-83, #83-46 |
| 01-23-17, #KMCC-11-10 | | |
| = Show you can listen to online |
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fiogf49gjkf0d Well spotted, thanks. I forgot where I got the text for this from, but my fixes of it were less than complete, it seems. He also purposely mispronounced "San Fernando", calling it "San Fernandino" - or did he?
I'm on the other coast..(you're talking to TV producers?! I'm reading a book! We're thinking back East, evolving..[ok, enough Bill Hicks]), so I'm not even close to being familiar with what's out there.
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fiogf49gjkf0d The line is "My tires squealed as I hit Sepulveda. " not " several people"
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Song samples are provided for information purposes only and are intended
to enable the users to sample the music (as they are in very low quality) before
they take the decision of purchasing the music. This right is expressly permitted
under "Fair Use" as nonprofit educational purposes only. The
ownership of the copyright of the songs rests with the respective owners.
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