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Duration:
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4:02
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Release Date:
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1983 (sfjpk30)
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Music By:
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| Song Lyrics: |
Thomas: I'm floating...mists, clouds, up...where am I?
St. Peter: Welcome, stranger, to the Pearly Gates.
Thomas: I'm in Heaven!
St. Peter: No, you're at the Pearly Gates. Name?
Thomas: Thomas Hatten.
St. Peter: Cause of death?
Thomas: Corned beef.
St. Peter: Those fatty foods.
Thomas: Oh, no, I worked in a butcher shop, and a side of frozen beef fell on my head. You know...
St. Peter: Thomas Hatten, you say...Hammond...Hastings...ah, here it is. Mm-hmm.
Thomas: Well?
St. Peter: Well, according to the celestial registry, you've been a good man. You may enter the Kingdom of Heaven and live for eternity at His side.
Thomas: Thank you!
St. Peter: Enter and join your fellow Presbyterians.
Thomas: Oh, I'm Catholic, not Presbyterian.
St. Peter: Oh, well then, go to Hell.
Thomas: But wait a minute, you just said I could go to Heaven.
St. Peter: Well, the Kingdom of Heaven is for those who have followed the one true path.
Thomas: Presbyterians?
St. Peter: Presbyterians.
Thomas: Wh-wh-what about Catholics and Mennonites and others who lived faithfully by the tenets of their religion?!
St. Peter: They blew it--next?
Thomas: No-no-now wait! Wait, I attended mass, I took communion, I went to confession again and again!
St. Peter: Waste of time; you might as well have stayed home Sundays and watched Red Fisher. He's Presbyterian.
Thomas: And to think the Jews claimed they were God's chosen people.
St. Peter: Oh, that was years ago. No, the Lord's finicky.
Thomas: Finicky?
St. Peter: Well, it was the Jews for a few thousand years, and God got into Muslims, 'cause He liked their hats; then, when they started slicing off hands, God went with Zen, then there was the Hopi Indians and the Aztecs for a while
Thomas: What about us Catholics?
St. Peter: Oh, He never liked them. The closest He got was the Anglicans, 'cause He liked Henry VIII's sense of humor.
Thomas: You know, God seems awfully indecisive.
St. Peter: Yeah, I guess so, He's like Nelson Skalbania, but with more money.
Thomas: So anyone who isn't a Presbyterian goes to Hell?
St. Peter: No, no, Baptists go to Purgatory.
Thomas: Oh, God likes Baptists?
St. Peter: No, God likes to get their hopes up. Then, just when they figure they're in, dispatched to the nether regions.
Thomas: Wow.
St. Peter: And God never forgave the Mormons for the Osmonds.
Thomas: But why, why Presbyterians?
St. Peter: Because they're nice.
Thomas: Nice?
St. Peter: Nice--God's old, He doesn't want trouble.
Thomas: Catholics are nice, too.
St. Peter: Have you ever heard of a Presbyterian holy war.
Thomas: Well, no.
St. Peter: No, because Presbyterians don't go in for them, they don't condemn this or that from their fiery pulpits.
Thomas: Well, wait, hold on a second. Isn't the Ulster Defence League Presbyterian?
St. Peter: No.
Thomas: I think they are, I think they are.
St. Peter: Well, I'm not sure...I'll...go check. Might have to go back to the Aztecs. Why don't you just wait in Purgatory 'til I find this out, okay?
Thomas: With the Baptists? No, thanks--I'll wait in Limbo. (Opens door, limbo music plays) Get back to me on this real soon, I'm counting on heavenly salvation.
St. Peter: Right, who isn't? Duck! (Door closes) Next! Name, please?
Saul: Saul Libinowitz.
St. Peter: Religion?
Saul: Uh...Presbyterian.
St. Peter: Enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
Saul: Shalom...whoops.
St. Peter: What? (jzummak) |
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Current Rating
10.0
(3 votes)
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| Played on 26 shows: |
 | 06-25-17, #ISGD-17-26 |  | 06-25-00, #00-26 |
| 09-10-16, #16-37 | | 11-08-98, #98-45 |
| 07-13-13, #13-28 | | 09-28-97, #97-39 |
| 02-02-13, #13-05 | | 04-27-97, #97-17 |
| 05-19-12, #12-20 | | 12-01-96, #96-48 |
| 11-06-10, #10-45 | | 06-09-96, #96-23 |
| 06-01-09, #MM-212 | | 05-05-96, #96-18 |
| 03-15-09, #MMCZ-09-10 | | 04-28-96, #96-17 |
| 02-11-07, #MMS-65 | | 03-31-96, #96-13 |
| 09-24-06, #06-39 | | 02-25-96, #96-08 |
| 05-05-02, #02-18 | | 09-24-95, #95-39 |
| 09-02-01, #01-35 | | 06-18-95, #95-25 |
| 08-06-00, #00-32 | | 03-28-93, #93-13 |
| = Show you can listen to online |
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Enter a New Message
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Message:
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Song samples are provided for information purposes only and are intended
to enable the users to sample the music (as they are in very low quality) before
they take the decision of purchasing the music. This right is expressly permitted
under "Fair Use" as nonprofit educational purposes only. The
ownership of the copyright of the songs rests with the respective owners.
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