Sign-up FREE! View Cart Login
0 Online
Song Details
Duration: 3:48 
Release Date: 2021 
Lyrics By:
Music By:
Produced By:
Released By:
Published By:
Song Lyrics:
I had been a bit of a RUMMY in my days, hitting the GIN and having BEER HANDS more than once. But I ended up smelling RANK and that didn't SUIT me too well. Besides, I always ended up acting like a JOKER and almost had BULLETS pumped into me. I would look like I'd been through a WAR and people started calling me ONE-EYED JACK because of how RED and BLACK I was after my BAD BEATS. So I gave it up, mainly because I was tired of RIDING THE FELT. I decided it was time to stop playing SOLITAIRE and find my QUEEN OF HEARTS. I wanted to see if I could be some girl's TABLE CAPTAIN and form a HIGH PAIR.

So I put on my CAP and my OFF-SUIT and crossed the BRIDGE to my favorite CLUB, the NO-TRUMP. You had to be at least TWENTY-ONE to get into this HOLE. The music was MOTOWN and the girls were all in DIAMONDS. But I couldn't DRAW those BIG CHICKS from their JACKS and didn't feel like becoming a SUICIDE KING.

That's when I heard, "Looking for ACTION, BIG SLICK?" I TURNed and nearly FLOPped when I met BLACK MARIA. This TRICK had PREMIUM HANDS with PINOCHLES and a terrific "SET". She was no DOLLY PARTON but she was no OLD MAID, either.

I replied, "My name's MONTY but friends call me BLACK JACK."

I could tell she was a real WILD CARD when she grabbed my POCKET ROCKET and said, "FOLLOW THE QUEEN, you big STUD; I wanna HOLD 'EM!"

This made my face FLUSH, the way she GOT THE NUTS. But the way she shook her CANASTAs had me taken a-BACCARAT!

From there, we WHIST away the nights: one night in CHICAGO, the next in OMAHA, then TAHOE, CINCINNATI and SHANGHAI...we even went STRAIGHT down BROADWAY on HOYLE'S WHEELS! There was NO LIMIT to this woman's STACK! We'd go SPIT IN THE OCEAN while on BICYCLES, hung out at her CRIBBAGE on FIFTH STREET and then GO FISH at the RIVER on her SAILBOAT.

And, when we went ALL-IN one night? Ohhh, it was STEAMING. We TAROT off each others' clothes, laid like SPOONS and I would POKER until she screamed, "OH, HELL! HIT me! SHOOT THE MOON! Who's your ANTE?!" I felt we were ON THE BUTTON and she would be an ACE for MARRIAGE.

But, then, she RAISED the STAKES: she introduced me to her DEALER, CHIP, who was also a SAN FRANCISCO WAITER! She wanted to BRING IN him and become THREE OF A KIND with this SHARK! That put me ON TILT; I wasn't that OPEN-ENDED! This GUT-BUSTER told me this was becoming too much of a FULL HOUSE for this COWBOY to STAY. I said, "CHECK, please," and FOLDED my HAND. Turns out she's had CRABS anyway from all of the TOURISTS she picked up on the STRIP. If I had LAID DOWN with her again, I would've CONTRACTED something. It would've been a DEAD MAN'S HAND and I didn't like the idea of DRAWING DEAD!

I took my BROKEN HEART and hopped on AMERICAN AIRLINES to the KLONDIKE where I could go RABBIT HUNTING and plug DUCKS. I'd have never WAGERED I'd be back to a BACHELOR'S HAND again.

So heed this advice from a SPADE individual: stick to LOW-BALL GERMAN VIRGINS instead of the CALAMITY JANE that KNOBBED me. You may feel you have the GUTS to take on the CALL but you'll only end up BIDDING your BANKROLL good-bye and with PAI-GOW on your face.

Now, I don't care if you BUY-IN to this story or call it CRAZY, EIGHTS. But, if you don't wanna be RAKED in by a ROUNDER with big KNOCKERS, you'll leave yourself OUTS before you get SKUNKED and end up like THIRTY MILES OF BAD ROAD.

Well, time to SHUFFLE off!
Current Rating 0.0 (0 votes)
Song Images:
Messages about the song: "Love Was Not In The Cards"
Enter a New Message
  • Show/Hide Border
  • Table Properties
  • Delete Table
  • Row
    • Insert Row Above
    • Insert Row Below
    • Delete Row
  • Column
    • Insert Column to the Left
    • Insert Column to the Right
    • Delete Column
  • Cell
    • Merge Cells Horizontally
    • Merge Cells Vertically
    • Split Cell Horizontally
    • Split Cell Vertically
    • Delete Cell
  • Cell Properties
  • Table Properties
  • Properties...
  • Image Map Editor
  • Properties...
  • OpenLink
  • Remove Link
  • Insert Select
  • Cut
  • Copy
  • Paste
  • Paste from Word
  • Paste Plain Text
  • Paste As Html
  • Paste Html


Song samples are provided for information purposes only and are intended to enable the users to sample the music (as they are in very low quality) before they take the decision of purchasing the music. This right is expressly permitted under "Fair Use" as nonprofit educational purposes only. The ownership of the copyright of the songs rests with the respective owners.

Home - News - Forums - Features - Shows - Songs - Artists - About - Friends - Blogs - Search - Help
© 2004-2023 Mad Music Productions, LLC, all rights reserved. Portions are Copyright by their respective copyright holders.