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| Song Lyrics: |
Featuring the voice talents of:
Devo Spice!
Insane Ian!
the great Luke Ski!
ShoEboX!
Carla Ulbrich!
Chris Mezzolesta!
Jared Ringold!
and featuring Rob Balder as Jesus Christ!
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'Twas The ICE Before Christmas, by J. Eric Tomme:
‘Twas the ICE before Christmas and all over town
Not a person was stirring... Especially if brown.
The Home Depot stores were unusually bare
For fears that La Migra might be lurking there.
And sugarplum visions of children were thwarted
By nightmares of families being deported!
So, wife on her iPhone, and I on mine too,
(...because we have Amazon shopping to do...)
When out in the street we could hear a kerfuffle,
Of honking and running and shouts that were muffled.
Away to the lawn with my cellphone recording,
In case social media needs my reporting!
The haze in the air and the coughing so loud,
From tear gas 'round citizens hung like a shroud.
When what to my watering eyes did appear
But a U-Haul box truck and eight men in war gear,
With a little old lady pulled over, afraid,
I knew in a moment it was an ICE raid!
More rabid than dogs kenneled by Michael Vick,
They snarled, and they shouted, and they acted like dicks:
"Now! Hands up! Now! Don't move! Now! Out of the car!
On your knees! On the ground! Put your face to the tar!
And to anyone gath'ring to this person's call,
We'll beat you! We'll taze you! WE'LL ARREST YOU ALL!"
Like Proud Boys in Dodge trucks with wheels six feet high,
With fake tow-hitch balls, and Trump flags to the sky,
Right up to the elderly brown "threat" they swarmed
With assault rifles drawn (though she posed them no harm!)
And then, with the Speed of a Keanu bus,
The ICE agents turned all their anger on us!
As I raised up my phone and was turning around,
Down an ICE agent threw me to the ground!
He was dressed all in camo, from hat to boot lace,
With a neck gaiter mask covering half of his face.
He looked like someone playing "cosplay police",
With a costume that borrowed from past Halloweens.
His eyes... how they darkened! Pitch black as his boots!
And his breath smelled like farts (which my momma called "toots").
Just then, as the agent went in for a shove,
A WOOSH and a jingle was heard from above.
And to our wonderment (and to ICE's dismay),
Down flew Christ Jesus in Santa Claus' sleigh!
He had a brown face... like that woman's complexion...
And BOOMED as he spoke with mid-eastern inflection.
He hovered above and began to remind
How the lessons he taught were about being kind,
And how Santa gives gifts to ALL good girls and boys
(And never puts tariffs on HIS Christmas toys!)
He quoted Leviticus 19:33,
Then bade them to leave and just let people be!
He said, "Be gone, ICE! Don't you know who my boss is?
Even in Heaven we give you due process!"
ICE jumped in their truck, pulled the cargo door down,
And Jesus Christ chased them right out of our town!
But I heard Him exclaim one last bit of advice...
"FELIZ NAVIDAD! Can't we all just be NICE??" (Captain Wayne) |
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