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Song Details
Rank this week: 10 (↑26)
Duration: 11:42 
Release Date: 1970  (sfjpk30) 
Lyrics By: Richard Rollins (Winslow Thrill) and Howard Kerr (Karl Truckload) (Dave AuJus) 
Music By:
Produced By: Phill Sawyer (will1410) 
Released By: Fantasy Records (Dave AuJus) 
Published By:
Really stupid, and goes on waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long.- CapSuper
  • First Star Trek spoof, The Dr. says on September 21, 1997 (CapSuper)
  • This parody originally appeared on the album REVOLTING (will1410)
  • Song Lyrics:
    (sound of communicator beep)
    KWIRK: Stardate: 3.142857--Aw, forget about it! This is Captain Kwirk on the Starship Intercourse. Thrusting its way through space, on another penetrating mission.

    ("Hallelujah Chorus" by Handel is playing.)
    HUNKIE: Captain! Captain! What's that in space ahead?

    KWIRK: Huh? Oh no, it's another space turkey! Darn this solar system anyway! Nothing but space turkeys. Get the phasers on that bird.

    HUNKIE: Captain! Captain! All the stars have gone out!

    KWIRK: No, you fool! You've leaned on the button! Turn the viewer back on! Now get the phasers on that bird.

    SPACE TURKEY: I am an Angel of the Lord!
    (phaser firing sound effects) Yhow!

    KWIRK: Ah! That baked him good!

    HUNKIE: Oh wow, it looks just like Thanksgiving out there!

    KWIRK: Don't think about it, Lt. Hunkie!

    HUNKIE: I can't help thinking about it. Last Thanksgiving was rotten. Just that food supplement pill with "TURKEY" written on it. It's not the same, Captain. It's not the same.

    KWIRK: Turn off the view screen, we're out here and this is where we are.

    HUNKIE: Why can't I think about it? I'm an officer, too.

    KWIRK: You've got enough to think about, you've got a whole dashboard to take care of.

    LEHNEEN: Captain, the space turkey has knocked us slightly off course.

    KWIRK: Well, Lemon...

    LEHNEEN: It's Leh-neen, sir.

    KWIRK: Now we must get back on course.

    LEHNEEN: It's Leh-neen, sir, did you hear me say that?

    KWIRK: Nah--uh--why-yes--uh--uh, Lie-nen, uh, we must get back on course.

    LEHNEEN: Yes sir, we must get back on course. Do you want to check the reading?

    KWIRK: Aw yes, let me see, "the quick brown fox".

    LEHNEEN: That is the wrong reading, take this.

    KWIRK: Oh, oh, I see, yah, yes, n-now my communicator. (communicator beep) Get me engineering.

    UBANGEE: That's my box, Captain!

    KWIRK: Oh, oh, pardon me, Lt. Ubangee! Allow me to apologize profusely.

    UBANGEE: Just take your hands off my box.

    SMOCK: Captain?

    KWIRK: Yes, Smock?

    SMOCK: May I remind you that since we are traveling at a rate of Warp Factor 3, that our collision with that turkey, thirty-eight seconds ago, has put us 13 billion miles off course.

    KWIRK: Well, good heavens, Smock, why wasn't I told of this earlier? (communicator beep) This is the Captain speaking, connect me with engineering.

    OPERATOR: I'm sorry, but that line is busy.

    KWIRK: This is the Captain. Give me engineering.

    OPERATOR: I'm sorry, sir, but that line is busy.

    KWIRK: But I have a direct line, I'm the Captain. (dial tone -- click) Operator! Operator! Operator! Did you hear that, Smock? Are my people putting me on?

    SMOCK: I don't know, sir. As you know I am a Vulgarian and jokes are beyond me. (chuckle)

    KWIRK: Hmmmm...That's the first time I've ever heard him laugh. Hmph! Oh, w-we must contact engineering. My God, 15 billion miles off course.

    SMOCK: 23 billion miles off course now, sir, if my calculations are correct. And they always are.

    KWIRK: (communicator beep) This is the Captain speaking. Give me engineering.

    (The party music is playing. People are chattering.)
    PARTY GUY: Here, try some of this!

    PARTY GIRL: I'll try some of that.

    PARTY GIRL 2: Would you blow up my balloons? Fresh! (slap)

    (Captain Kwirk clears his throat.)

    PARTY GUY: (whispering) Shhh! It's the Captain! Everyone be quiet!

    KWIRK: This is the Captain speaking.

    PARTY GUY: (in background) Shut up!

    PARTY GIRL: Who is it?

    KWIRK: It's the Captain! We're 23 billion miles off course!

    SMOCK: 29 billion.

    KWIRK: 29 billion---(sound of dial tone) - Operator! Operator!

    OPERATOR: I'm sorry, sir, but that line is busy, (hic!)

    KWIRK: Smock they don't they realize what a mess we're in, 29 billion miles off course.

    LIMEY: (communicator beep) Captain, this is engineering, Lt. Limey speaking. Do you realize we're 34 billion miles off course?

    KWIRK: Limey, I just called you! What's going on down there?

    SMOCK: Captain, according to my calculations, we're 38 billion miles off course.

    KWIRK: Thank you, Smock!!!

    SMOCK: Why are you pinching your eyes together, Captain? It doesn't help the situation nor does it have any physiological effect. Highly illogical behavior. Tsk, tsk, tsk! You Earth people.

    (Kwirk sighs in grief.)
    (communicator beep)

    LIMEY: Captain, where did you go? We're 45 billion miles off course.

    KWIRK: I'm still here, Limey. Lt. Ubangee, have the computer compute--course correction coordinates, engineering, curse creation--coor--crea--curs--uuh--engineering standby.

    LIMEY: It's about time, Captain, by now we must be 52 billion miles off course. We're traveling faster than light you know.

    KWIRK: Lt. Ubangee, where are the course readings, eh? Where? Lt. Ubangee--uh...Where the hell did she go?

    HUNKIE: She went to church, sir!

    KWIRK: Church!? She can't be, it's Tuesday afternoon!

    HUNKIE: It's her sect, do you know?

    KWIRK: I am aware of her sex, lieutenant!

    HUNKIE: No, no, her sect, her sect, she's a Mongwa-Lay Poodle-Lay, you know Kemewaukee-too-la.

    KWIRK: Ugh! When will it ever end?

    HUNKIE: Captain! Captain! All the stars have gone out!

    KWIRK: Lt. Hunkie, if you lean on that button once more, I will have you ejected into hyperspace through the garbage chute!!! Take over the controls, Smock! I'll find Lt. Ubangee myself!

    SMOCK: Aye aye, sir!

    KWIRK: Now, let's see, where did she go now?

    SMOCK: She's in the ship's apse.

    KWIRK: The ship's what?!

    SMOCK: The chapel, the meditation area. Although I personally find religion highly illogical.

    KWIRK: (sigh) Uhh, well I'll have to take the elevator down. All these problems! Let's see I'm never on this level. Uh, maybe it's in here.

    (sound of heavy breathing)
    FEMALE CREW-WOMAN: Oh Wally, Oh Wally, Oh Wally, Oh Wally, Oh Wally...

    KWIRK: You can't do that in there, this is the broom closet!

    CREWMAN WALLY: We're engaged!

    KWIRK: Well, disengage and report back to your stations. Humph! Oh, It must be down the corridor to the left.

    CREWMAN WALLY: (in background) No privacy at all!

    KWIRK: Oh, I've got to stop talking to myself.

    (door slides open)
    SINGERS: Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah-teeng-tang-walla-walla-bing-bang! Amen.

    KWIRK: Uh, but...but where's Lt. Ubangee? Chaplain! Chaplain!

    CHAPLAIN: (mumbling some chant)

    KWIRK: Aaahh! Oh! That mask, you scared me! I thought this was the apse--uh--uh--chapel!

    CHAPLAIN: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you! Since there's only one chapel on the Starship Intercourse. I've become very adept at a number of different religious services.

    KWIRK: Oh.

    CHAPLAIN: I'm afraid I get quite immersed in my role. Oops, there, I've spattered blood all over your tights.

    KWIRK: Yech!

    CHAPLAIN: Don't worry, it's only pig blood, it comes off with a little lemon and salt. You know it's really wonderful to be a Chaplain in outer space.

    KWIRK: Huh?

    CHAPLAIN: Space is so wonderful! So vast! So infinite! So religious! I was just thinking the other day when I was doing the terribly complicated Flip-Ziggy service for the worshipers from Zircon 5.

    KWIRK: Zircon.

    CHAPLAIN: Oh! Which reminds me, Captain, there is a matter of extreme importance of which I must speak.

    KWIRK: Huh?

    CHAPLAIN: It is the matter of the psychic morale of the ship...

    KWIRK: Who?

    CHAPLAIN: Many of the enlisted men. How do Americans say it? The little people...

    KWIRK: Huh?

    CHAPLAIN: Are undergoing a great deal of strain... rampants are rumored about the ship. Some of the men are saying that the dietitian is putting saltpeter in the food supplement tablets.

    KWIRK: Mmmm...

    CHAPLAIN: Then, there is the problem of beaming down.

    KWIRK: Huh?

    CHAPLAIN: The enlisted men feel that it is not fair that only officers get to leave the ship.

    KWIRK: Huh?

    CHAPLAIN: They're as they put it, going stir crazy. A quaint term don't you agree?

    KWIRK: Uh-uh.

    CHAPLAIN: Why even just a moment ago during the religious service, I overheard a rumor to the effect that the ship is over 125 billion miles off course.

    KWIRK: It is?

    CHAPLAIN: It is. Isn't that wonderful? Space is so vast! There are so many possibilities.

    KWIRK: Chaplain, this is an emergency! I-I-I must speak with Lt. Ubangee!

    CHAPLAIN: Oh dear, she seems to have left.

    KWIRK: Oh! (g-are-are-are-are!) (Kwirk keeps groaning in background)

    CHAPLAIN: Why I'll bet she's back in the control room right now. You know, if you keep calm instead of turning purple like that, all your problems would solve themselves.

    (communicator beep)
    SMOCK: Captain?

    KWIRK: What is it, Smock?

    SMOCK: We've located Lt. Ubangee, she's locked in the woman's room on Level 4.

    KWIRK: Oh no!

    SMOCK: We've sent a janitor over there with a skeleton key, we should have her out any moment.

    KWIRK: But this is an emergency! Can't you do anything faster? Can't you blast her out?

    SMOCK: But the woman's room on Level 4 is only three by three. We wouldn't want to reduce her to atoms, that would be illogical.

    KWIRK: Listen, Smock! We must act--quickly the ship is already a hundred and twenty-five billion miles off course!

    SMOCK: A hundred and forty billion miles off course!

    KWIRK: Well--W--We must do something quickly, anyway! Say, can't you operate the computers yourself?

    SMOCK: Of course, I can operate the computers, I am a Vulgarian!

    KWIRK: Well why didn't you?

    SMOCK: You didn't ask me, after all, I'm only the Squire, you're the Knight, you didn't order me, Captain!

    KWIRK: Listen, Pixie-ears! Get on that computer!!!!!

    (click - dial tone)
    OPERATOR: Deposit ten more cents for another five, or three minutes! Whoopee!

    KWIRK: I've really got to have that operator replaced! Excuse me, Chaplain, I must return to the bridge!

    CHAPLAIN: Yahweh watch over you, Mohammad be with you, Umgawa guide your arrow, may Vishnu be within you, may Christ be above you, and may Umbleebv of the Seven Moons light your way.

    KWIRK: Uh, if only I can get up to the main control room in time.

    (computer sounds beeping.)

    KWIRK: Well, Smock, how's the computer doing?

    SMOCK: I'm programming it now, something seems to be wrong, listen to this...Maybe if I do this...
    (computer noises - alarm like a fast telephone line busy signal.)

    HUNKIE: Captain! Captain! All the lights have gone out!

    KWIRK: Take your hands away from your eyes, Lt. Hunkie. All right, damage control, give me an estimate on the damage.

    SMOCK: Well, Captain, it's easily $27,000,000 worth of damage.

    KWIRK: Uh...$27,000,000 worth of damage?! Arrrr!

    SMOCK: Well, actually, it's only one tube that costs fifteen cents, but the service charge is enormous since we're so many light years away from the service area. That is provided and they can find us anyway seeing as we're 200 billion miles off course.

    KWIRK: (groaning in background)

    UBANGEE: What's going on here?

    KWIRK: Lt. Ubangee! If you leave the control room again without telling me! I'll--I'll--

    UBANGEE: Oh (crying) Oh--oh--ah--oh, if that's the way you feel about it! I quit!

    KWIRK: Oh! Oh no! Oh! I--I don't--I don't feel that way! No--here, have a seat, make yourself comfy, oh, you look nice this afternoon--evening--morning--whatever it is, it's so hard to tell on ship board. When did I sleep last anyhow?

    UBANGEE: Why are you pinching your eyes together like that, Captain Honey?

    KWIRK: Can you fix the computer? Please!?!?

    UBANGEE: Why, of course, I'll just stick this little old bobby pin in here!
    ( alarm signal stops - computer running smoothly now.)

    KWIRK: Oh, thank God! Uh! Standby for change of course!
    (communicator beep) Engineering! - Oh no!

    LIMEY: Quiet everybody it's the Captain!

    PARTY GIRL: Put your clothes on, Limey!

    LIMEY: It's all right the viewer's not turned on.

    KWIRK: Standby for new co-ordinates!

    LIMEY: What's he talking about?

    PARTY GIRL: I'm so high!

    KWIRK: Limey! You're demoted!

    LIMEY: Oh ho ho, well then you'll have to get someone else, won't you? (chuckle)

    KWIRK: Oh, oh, oh, no, no! You're not demoted! Uh--uh--You're--You're advanced! Just get us back on course!

    (banging on the elevator door)

    MUTINEER #1: Hey! Knock it down!

    KWIRK: Huh, what's that sound on the elevator?

    (The crowd breaks out yelling!)

    KWIRK: What are you people doing here? You aren't allowed on the bridge! You aren't even officers!

    MUTINEER #2: Stick it up your asteroid, Captain Kwirk!

    MUTINEER #3: Mutiny! Mutiny!

    MUTINEER #4: They overlooked my claustrophobia!

    MUTINEER #1: Freedom, now!

    UBANGEE: ... it's so small, so stuffy.

    KWIRK: I'm tired of trying to screen these in free fall.(???)

    (Whoosh! Boom! Another fast alarm signal.)

    MUTINEERS: Me too! - Me too!

    MUTINEER #2: Up your asteroid!

    SMOCK: In your nebula!

    MUTINEER: Take him down to the beam room! Let's get him off the ship!

    KWIRK: Lieutenants! Meso, Motzo, Hunkie, get these people out of here!

    MUTINEERS: Take over! Take over! Take over! Take over!

    KWIRK: Smock! Smock! Hah! He's unconscious!

    MUTINEER: Take him to the beam room!

    KWIRK: Hold your h-h...

    (alarm signal stops.)

    MUTINEER: Now, Captain, we're going to beam you down to one of the large asteroids in the Feen-A-Mint cluster. We'll of course inform a space trawler of your co-ordinates, but since we're a quarter of a trillion miles off course. God knows when he'll find you.

    KWIRK: You can't do this!

    (Transporter beam activates - communicator beep)
    MAGGIE McAPRON: Stardate: 3.14285--Aw, the heck with it! This is laundry assistant third class, Maggie McApron, we've taken over, the ship is ours! We're setting out for the planet Euphoria! (The crowd cheers.) We're going to get off this blasted thing and have some fun!

    (The crowd cheers.)
    Whoopee! Euphoria! Fingers on my thimbles, make the noise!

    (The crowd cheers.)
    A-rooty-tooty-tooty all the boys.
    Ah ha ha ha!

    MUTINEER: Ah ha ha ha!

    { Please note: All names and alien words are spelled as they sound to me. Some dialog may have been assigned to the wrong character because there are only two or three actors doing all the parts, and it is hard to tell who is playing whom. Some background dialog may have been omitted when more than one character is speaking at the same time.} (Sound effects & music are in parentheses) This transcription should be very close to being correct and much better than most lyric websites. Sorry for any misspelled words.

    (Dave AuJus)
    Current Rating 9.9 (3 votes)
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