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Song Details
Rank this week: 10 (↑24)
Duration: 3:41 
Release Date: 1972  (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Lyrics By: John Cleese (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: N/A (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: Jacquemin/Jones/Palin/Bailey (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: Arista 0598 (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By: Kay-Gee-Bee Music Ltd. (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Licensing: BMI  #8255415 
  • Sketch from Episode 29 of Monty Python's Flying Circus (peterpuck9)
  • From the album "Monty Python's Previous Record" (Stavro Arrgolus)
  • Song Lyrics:
    The Cast (in order of appearance.)
    M= Man looking for an argument (Michael Palin)
    R= Receptionist (Rita Davies)
    Q= Abuser (Graham Chapman)
    A= Arguer (John Cleese)
    C= Complainer (Eric Idle)
    H= Head Hitter (Terry Jones)

    M: Ah, I'd like to have an argument, please.
    R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
    M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
    R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
    M: Well, what is the cost?
    R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
    M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
    R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment. Uh, Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
    M: Thank you. (closes door)

    (Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

    Q: What do you want?
    M: Well, I was told outside that...
    Q: DON'T give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
    M: What?
    Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, YOU VACUOUS, TOFFEE-NOSED, MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
    M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
    Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
    M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
    Q: Ah yes, you want room 12a, Just along the corridor.
    M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
    Q: Not at all.
    M: Thank you. (closes door)
    Q: Stupid git!

    (Walk down the corridor)
    M: (Knock)
    A: Come in.
    M: Uh, is this the right room for an argument?
    A: I told you once.
    M: No, you haven't.
    A: Yes I have.
    M: When?
    A: Just now.
    M: No, you didn't.
    A: I did.
    M: Didn't.
    A: Did!
    M: Didn't!
    A: I'm telling you I did!
    M: You did not!
    A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
    M: Oh, just the five minutes.
    A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
    M: You most certainly did not.
    A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
    M: No, you did not.
    A: Yes, I did.
    M: No, you didn't.
    A: Yes, I did.
    M: No, you didn't.
    A: Yes, I did!
    M: No, you didn't!
    A: Yes, I did!
    M: You didn't!
    A: Did!
    M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
    A: Yes it is.
    M: No, it isn't. It's just contradiction.
    A: No, it isn't.
    M: It is!
    A: It is not!
    M: Look, you just contradicted me.
    A: I did not!
    M: Oh you did!!
    A: No, no, no!
    M: You did just then.
    A: Nonsense!
    M: Oh look, this is futile!
    A: No, it isn't.
    M: I came here for a good argument.
    A: No, you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
    M: Well, an argument isn't just contradiction.
    A: Can be.
    M: No, it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
    A: No, it isn't.
    M: Yes, it is. It's not just contradiction.
    A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
    M: Yes, but that's not just saying, "No it isn't".
    A: Yes, it is!
    M: No, it isn't! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
    (short pause)
    A: No, it isn't.
    M: Yes, it is.
    A: Not at all.
    M: Now look--
    A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
    M: What?
    A: That's it. Good morning.
    M: I was just getting interested.
    A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
    M: That was never five minutes!
    A: I'm afraid it was.
    M: No, it wasn't.
    A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
    M: What?!
    A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
    M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
    A: (Hums)
    M: Look, this is ridiculous.
    A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
    M: Oh, all right. (pays)
    A: Thank you.
    (short pause)
    M: Well?
    A: Well what?
    M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
    A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
    M: I just paid!
    A: No' you didn't.
    M: I DID!
    A: No' you didn't.
    M: Look, I don't want to argue about that!
    A: Well, I'm very sorry, but you didn't pay.
    M: Aha! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I got you!
    A: No, you haven't.
    M: Yes, I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
    A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
    M: Oh, I've had enough of this.
    A: No you haven't.
    M: Oh, shut up. (closes door)

    (Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

    M: I want to complain.
    C: YOU want to complain? Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
    M: No, I want to complain about...
    C: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
    M: Oh!
    C: Oh, my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.

    (Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

    M: Hello, I want to... Oohhh! (Terry clobbers Michael with comedy mallet)
    H: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go "Waaah". Try it again.
    M: Uuuwwhh!!
    H: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
    M: No.
    H: Now...
    M: Waaaaah!!!
    H: Good, Good! That's it.
    M: Stop hitting me!
    H: What?
    M: Stop hitting me!
    H: Stop hitting you?
    M: Yes!
    H: Why did you come in here then?
    M: I wanted to complain.
    H: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
    M: What a stupid concept.
    (Sonic SBL)
    Current Rating 9.3 (7 votes)
    Song Images:
    Messages about the song: "Argument Clinic"
    peterpuck9   Offline  -  Participant  -  01-04-10 01:47 AM  -  14 years ago
    Reference to The Argument Clinic seen recently on the TV show "House" (11-30-09)

    Wilson: Look House, I didn't come here for an argument.

    House: No, that's room 12A.
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