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| Facts: |
| This bit is called "New" News because Carlin had been using the 'news' premise for years and needed to distinguish this bit from earlier efforts such as "The 11 O'Clock News" which ends the "FM & AM" album. He uses the news bit again in the "Carlin at Carnegie" performance. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
| Many of the 'fake news' gags in this bit were used in Carlin's HBO specials in the '80s. (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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| Song Lyrics: |
Like to take a look at the news.
Terrorists blow up Central America and leave a note.
A Philadelphia man was arrested today for attempting to make an unauthorized deposit in a sperm bank.
Silent film star Mark Dunbar died today in Hollywood. He had no last words. However, he did make several gestures.
The San Diego freeway was the scene of a freak accident today as six freaks in a camper crashed into three freaks in a van.
The Nobel Prize in Mathematics has been awarded to a California professor who has discovered a new number. The number is "bleen" which he claims belongs between six and seven.
Medical researchers have discovered a disease which has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect and there is no known cure. Fortunately, it is confined to New Jersey.
Archaeologists digging at a site in Iran have discovered the remains of a city which was inhabited by a race of people who had absolutely no skills or tools of any kind. No trace of anything has been found anywhere near the site.
Heart transplants have declined in recent months because of a lack of donors. Many people consider it an imposition.
Hollywood film star Vicky Trick and her husband, Mark Spot, have called it quits today after a 27 minute honeymoon in front of the church.
On the lighter side of the news, here's a Halloween prank that really backfired. It seems that little thirteen year old Danny O'Merta thought it would be great fun to soap all the windows of the cars on his block. He had soaped about seven of them and was starting to soap the eighth one not knowing that the owner of the eighth car, Carl Downing was seated inside. Carl Downing shot Danny in the head four times.
And in Cleveland today, 27 people suffered twelve hours of continuous whiplash when a man claiming to be the Devil hijacked a roller coaster.
And to kind of wind up the news tonight, we take a look at the news hostility scoreboard- find out how we're treating each other around the world. According to the scoreboard,
we got 4 civil wars goin' on right now,
2 brush fire wars
4 vest-pocket wars
9 wars of liberation
2 police actions
16 revolutions
35 rebellions
58 border clashes
21 terrorist bombings
36 retaliatory raids
400 guerrilla operations
95 commando strikes
612 acts of sabotage
237 cease-fire violations
44 surprise attacks
6 outside aggressions
6 internal upheavals
3 protective reaction strikes
10 counterinsurgencies
21 violent disturbances
30 warlike acts
906 hostile incidents
10 arms races
18 deliberate provocations
61 threats to security
9 dangerous escalations
2 military confrontations
6 heightenings of tension
14 heated exchanges
12 belligerent moves
17 reprisals..
3 powder kegs
2 tinder boxes
and an ul-ti-ma...tum! Woooooooo! (Stavro Arrgolus) |
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