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Song Details
Rank this week: 10 (↑20)
Duration: 5:11 
Release Date: 1972  (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Lyrics By: George Carlin (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Music By: N/A (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Produced By: Monte Kay/Jack Lewis (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Released By: Little David LD 7214 (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Published By: Dead Sea Music Inc. (Stavro Arrgolus) 
Licensing: BMI (Stavro Arrgolus) 
  • This bit ended Side 1 of the original LP, but as can be seen below, it had a closing and applause sequence to end the record with- even though the record was only half over. This suggests the decision was never made which side would be Side 1 - The side that had Carlin's old material (called 'AM' on the album) or the side with the counterculture material (called 'FM') and it was just released without further editing. Or it could just be that the intention was to be needlessly mysterious and nonsensical. (Stavro Arrgolus)
  • Song Lyrics:
    Birth control pills. That's part of the drug scene, isn't it? You have to count them. The entire female population of the US is being used as the guinea pigs to find out if birth control pills are gonna have any side effects or not. Isn't that nice. Really, if every lady who used them gets to 61 and one leg gets shorter than the other one...better call the pills back. Birth control pills are still on prescription. You still need a note to get laid. It's so bad. Not only do you need a note, you gotta go to one guy to get the note, and you gotta bring it to another guy. Everybody's in on it, y'know. Ladies must feel silly goin' up.. "Here's my note. Hmm.." "Oh, that's what you're doing at home, eh? Well, uh, we're keeping a record of it here in the store. Late at night, I read them."

    Someday, birth control pills will come off prescription and when they do, they'll need those cute little catchy names that the patent medicines have. They'll sell birth control pills at the corner drug store, there'll be one cent sales at Rexall. There'll be attractive little cartons, merchandising campaigns, a special Christmas package. They'll be right up there with the Schrafft's two cent mints at the cash register. "Take your change and birth control!" And they’ll need those cute little names, names that describe what the product does. Names like…well, we have so many patent medicines today- Sleep-eze, No-Doz, Dentu-Grip, Ora-Fix.. Sounds a little freaky that one, I dunno.. (gay voice:) "Listen, may I have an Ora-Fix?" "Not without a note. Hell, no."

    Someday birth control pills will need name like Preg-Not! Doctors prefer Embry-No! Here’s one for the ladies: Nary a Carry! Something lofty and poetic: Nay, Family Way! Something earthy and crude: Mom Bomb. Something for the youngsters: Junior…Miss! Here’s a real man’s product: Inconceivable! Mommy Not, Fetus Fail, Kiddie Kill, Poppa Stopper, whatever you want. Womb Broom, Humpty Dumpty, y'know. They’re clever guys. I wouldn’t be surprised if they come up with a birth control pill that doesn't work all the time and call it Baby-Maybe! "Available in the six-pack, the sex-pack and the handy shack-pack for you weekenders! One for home, one for the office and one for the glove compartment, guys! And don’t forget to save those wrappers!" Remember that, you always save 60 wrappers and get some azalea seeds.

    Here's a phone call that will never take place. A common phone call that will never occur again once birth control is universal. Once everyone had a way to plan, no bachelor will ever have to fear this phone call again. And they fear it. So do married men. It's a scary call if you're fertile at all.

    (ring) "Hello"

    "Hello, Dave?"

    "Yeah, this is Dave. Who is this?"

    "This is Jane."

    "Jane? Jane who?"


    "Jane Jane?"

    "Jane. You met me at a party about 6 to 8 weeks ago and you said I was a real good sport."

    "Oh, Christ yeah. How are you, Jane?"

    "Pregnant! And I'm gonna jump out the window!"

    "Say, you are a good sport, aren't ya, Jane?"

    It is a male sexist pig joke, really.

    Hey, ya know what I need? I need to thank ya very much. Thanks for being here, man, and thanks for the use of your head on an early show like this, I appreciate it. Don't forget, it takes two fingers to make the peace sign just like it takes two people to make love. When you go like this, you're jerkin' off. Good night folks.
    (Stavro Arrgolus)
    Current Rating 9.0 (1 vote)
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    Song samples are provided for information purposes only and are intended to enable the users to sample the music (as they are in very low quality) before they take the decision of purchasing the music. This right is expressly permitted under "Fair Use" as nonprofit educational purposes only. The ownership of the copyright of the songs rests with the respective owners.

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