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Song Details
C Is For Lettuce 
By: Worm Quartet
Play Song (Creative Commons License):
Click Here for a Free Download of this song at 128k
Duration: 3:24 
Release Date: 1/2/2007  (DJ Particle) 
Lyrics By: Timothy F. Crist (peterpuck9) 
Music By: Timothy F. Crist (peterpuck9) 
Produced By: ShoEboX (peterpuck9) 
Released By: The FuMP/FIDIM Interactive (peterpuck9) 
Published By:
Licensing: CC 
  • This was the first song ever released by The FuMP! (peterpuck9)
  • Song Lyrics:
    C Is For Lettuce
    I've listened to you b***h, I've listened to you whine
    But you couscous-eating yuppie jerks have gone too far this time
    Your kids are getting fatter and the outlook's rather bleak
    Despite you putting them on three fad diets every week
    So do you take the blame, and make a change at home?
    No dammit, you're American! You're born to b***h and moan!
    And just like every problem, your solution is the same:
    Your v-chipped cable-ready babysitter is to blame!

    Cuz every single character in every single show
    Must be shaped and molded perfectly to help your children grow
    Cuz if they're not ideal role models and beacons for good health
    You might just have to be one yourself!

    And who has time for that?

    So with your pen of judgment, you turn on your TV
    Prepared to write down ev-e-ry indecency you see
    (There's) a googly-eyed Muppet with a coat of navy blue
    He grabs a plate of something...hey, that don't look like tofu!
    And with a ghastly "ahm nahm nahm" the cookies disappear
    And suddenly the reason for your offspring's size is clear
    This glut'nous monster’s brainwashed them and driven them to gorge!
    Someone must stop this Toll-House-fueled sloth-inducing scourge!

    Because you're far too busy, you can't teach your kids to see
    That reality is different from what's broadcast on TV
    So you know that they'll just emulate the things the puppets do
    And that might reflect badly on you!

    So now you're
    Screaming for the blood of the cookie monster
    Evil puppet demon of obesity
    Time to change the tune of his fearful ballad
    C is for "Lettuce," that's good enough for me

    Well now you start to think, your kid may be depressed
    Even though each day he sees a different therapist
    So you go to his classroom, which is looking rather stark
    Cuz their funds were voted down last year to build a baseball park
    The teacher says he's failing English, history and math
    And suddenly it's clear what's led him down his darkening path
    You can't call it "Failing!" That's such a scathing word!
    We'll just call it "Success that's temporarily deferred!"

    Cuz language can be powerful, to raise and to depress
    That's why we no longer have "Shell Shock" we have "Post-traumatic stress"
    And the only way to keep our precious darlings out of jail
    Is to make them think that they can never fail!

    So now you're
    Screaming for the blood of the underpaid teacher
    After all your taxes pay her yearly 12 G
    You can't change the world, so just change what you call it
    F is for "Almost," that's good enough for me

    No one understands just how brutal you have it
    You wake up each morning and have to fight traffic
    Then spend all day chained to your laptop and beeper
    Kiss some client’s ass and then play some minesweeper
    Then hightail it over to your yoga lessons
    Then lattes, pilates, and therapy sessions
    Where you whine and ramble and dab your eyelids
    And complain that you never get time with your kids

    You've bitched your yuppie heart out, and meddled with the best
    But your brooding fatass offspring keeps deferring his success
    So what the hell's the problem? It surely can't be you!
    It must be all the violence on his new PlayStation 2!
    Look at this atrocity! There's hoodlums, thugs, and skanks
    And chronic-tokin' gangstas running hookers down with tanks
    There's nudity and blood and guts and chainsaws cutting people
    And that's just in the new updated 3-D Tetris sequel!

    And sure there's labels on the games that say that they're "mature"
    But now honestly, just who the hell reads labels anymore?
    Tell me wouldn't it be easier for parents 'cross the land
    If games that aren't for kids were all just banned?

    Now you're
    Screaming for the blood of the game programmer
    Gaming should just be a children's industry
    Pixellated actors should be role models
    "M" is for "Censored," that's good enough for me

    Screaming for a new place to point your finger
    Won't rest 'til the whole world is rated "PG"
    Don't stop to think what those letters really stand for
    "M" is for "Censored"
    "F" is for "Almost"
    "C" is for "Lettuce," that's good enough for me

    ©2005 Timothy F. Crist
    C is for Lettuce--Worm Quartet(View Larger)

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